


Falling for you | Yoongi x Hoseok

by emuhlee



Category: Gay - Fandom, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxious Min Yoongi | Suga, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Flustered Jung Hoseok | J-Hope, Flustered Min Yoongi | Suga, Friends to Lovers, Hoseok is completely whipped, Kim Namjoon | RM & Min Yoongi | Suga Are Best Friends, M/M, Soft Yoonseok, Sope, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Yoonseok - Freeform, lots of bedroom pop, slight jikook, soft sope, yoongi is always flustered and Hoseok is always flustered because Yoongis is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-23
Updated: 2019-05-23
Packaged: 2020-03-10 02:40:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 44,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18929632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emuhlee/pseuds/emuhlee
Summary: mixtapes and flushed cheeksyou can find the playlist here https://open.spotify.com/user/hotusername/playlist/765JBvw9d6HYcAvJslK6Qi?si=V8b0Vb_cSVGFO8Mx9RlThw





	Falling for you | Yoongi x Hoseok

[friday]

One might never think a simple occurrence in persons daily life can have so much effect on them, but that was simply denied when Yoongi experienced his small occurrence on a sunny Friday morning. His pace was fast, his not fully zipped up backpack weighing down one of his shoulders, his hoodie lazily fitting his now fully awake body, the only evidence of the deep slumber he was in just moments ago being his bed hair that he didn't see the need to fix. After all, it's just school, nothing life changing or drastic would ever happen in a place like this, so why make it something bigger than it actually is? His feet stopped moving when he finally sat down in one of the seats by the window, letting his backpack rest in his lap. Bus rides to and from school were his favorite. They were sacred to listening to music, reading or even taking a quick nap, a place to relax before a full day of squeaking millennials enduring their own day of school.

Yoongi put in his earphones, calming beats making his vision drowsy, his fingers tapping a few notes in sync with the rhythm. The boy smiled to himself as he seemed to have a pretty decent morning so far. Yet not all odds may be in his favor as he hoped, cause another thing that he heard was definitely not a beat from his earphones, but a cough, a cough that meant he was not alone anymore. He averted his eyes to a figure in front of him, soon realizing it was a face he has never seen before. Yoongi mentally shrugged thinking about what he could've done to make this boy walk up to him, after all, the bus was quite empty. His thoughts were interrupted by the same tall figure who was still standing, their eyes grazing Yoongis features.

"Uhm hi, I'm Hoseok and I'm guessing you're driving towards the same school since there are not many of those around here and you look somewhat my age, it's gonna be my first day today and I'm quite terrified and thought it might be nice to know at least someo-" Hoseok's nervous murmuring was quickly disrupted by Yoongi taking Hoseok by the sleeve of his sweater and yanking the boy towards him, making him sit down.

"I-i'm sorry, it's against the rules to stand in a driving bus," Yoongi said, feeling his cheeks blushing from a sudden act. He looked down at his fingers who were playing with his earphones, not sure what he should say. Yes hi Hoseok, you look cool, too bad I'm an antisocial insecure rat who doesn't really participate in the society 

" I'm Yoongi" The boy lets out, finally collecting the strength to look up at the boy whose eyes were now curiously cruising around Yoongis small frame.

A small gasp left Yoongis lips as he examined Hoseoks face. His skin was glistening, small shadows playing on his face from the trees that were passing them outside the window, his brown slightly wavy hair seemed to lightly bounce whenever he moved, his lips were pursed into a small inviting smile which seemed to be connected to his eyes that shared the same friendly fondness that Yoongi has never seen before. As seconds went by he found himself feeling stupid for acting the way that he did, his mind now wondering of what was going through Hoseok's head, was he trying to notice small details about him as well or was this just a not reciprocated feeling that Yoongi felt for a stranger he met on the bus?

"Nice to meet you Yoongi, I hope we get to have some classes together, wish me luck!" Hoseok exclaimed before rising up from his seat and heading out through the door of the bus, leaving the still flustered Yoongi in his seat, music still playing from his earphones.

-

The school day went by painfully slow, as Yoongi couldn't get a certain boy out of his complicated mind, his eyes wandering around the sea of people in the hallways almost as if he was searching for someone, for him even though that seemed stupid to Yoongi himself since he realized he had no significance in his life and did he want to have? Questions like these burned what seemed infectious wholes in his brain that seemed to multiply each time he came back to the same mindset. After what seemed like a long time he finally saw him by his locker, taking out some books from his bag, his fluffy hair getting into his eyes, his tongue lightly peeking out of his mouth in concentration. He looked like never belonged to any clique or group of people, he seemed like he was from another world, he seemed like a huge pile of good, something good Yoongi could not identify. He thought about coming up to him and asking about his first day or about anything at all, yet his feet seemed to be glued to the ground, his teeth nervously biting down on his lip. People started to disappear from the hallway, which meant the class was about to begin and Yoongi's eyes glistened with a spark of (j)hope, hope that he would overcome himself and actually come up to the boy, but his hopes were suddenly crushed as three guys approached Hoseok, wrapping their arms around his shoulders to which Hoseok replied with a huge grin, laughs and small chatters already echoing through the hallway. Of course, he had found friends by this time. Yoongi was almost completely certain that for someone like Hoseok it was hard to ever stay alone without people wanting to be around him. A slight pout made its way to Yoongi's features as he turned around and walked to class, trying to get rid of the panging feeling of disappointment in his chest.

-

As Hoseok walked out of the bus, his eyes came in contact with a huge building that was now his new school. He could still feel a tingling feeling of anxiousness in his chest as he made his way towards the entrance. He didn't really know how to act or what to say, considering he was homeschooled for most of his life. He didn't think of it as a bad thing, he just didn't know how to act or deal with so many people. His mind wandered back to his previous encounter with Yoongi. He couldn't stop thinking about how beautiful the boy was, he could tell the boy was still sleepy when they met, and he couldn't help but feel the need to be close to him, to get to know him. However, he didn't want to get all up in his personal space, choosing to leave him be, in hopes to meet him again. He couldn't let himself to get attached to the first person he meets today. 

-

Hoseok's first day of school went by surprisingly fast, each class resulting in making a few new friends or acquaintances, landing him a spot next to his new friends in the cafeteria as well as some of his classes. He felt happy with the way his day chose to be, every school break spent with different people who seemed to be more than enjoying his company. It was now the time for his last class - music. Hoseok loved music and everything that was associated with it, deciding to put away his tiredness for just an hour more until he could go back home. He went to his locker, taking out unnecessary books out of his bag. His attention was quickly averted to two pairs of arms wrapping around his shoulders which belonged to two of his newly made friends that didn't seem to care about the upcoming class, hi's and what's up's coming out of their mouths. Hoseok greeted them with a smile, exchanging a few words. As they talked his gaze wandered around the empty hallway, noticing a small figure standing just a few meters away, the figure that belonged to the same sleepy boy he met at the bus, the same boy he was so aching to see the whole day. His smile suddenly changed into a disappointed expression as he realized why Yoongi was not able to come up to him, voices of his friends echoing in the back of his brain as his full attention was now dedicated to the boy who turned away and started making his way to class with a sad expression on his face.

"Eart to Hoseok, hello? Is anyone there? What are you staring at?", One of his friends asked, letting out a small chuckle.

Hoseok brushed his glance away, his lips forming a firm smile.

"I'm just a bit tired, let's go to class"

-

Hoseok walked into his last class that day, a tired sigh leaving his lips. His eyes scanned the classroom, looking for an empty spot. He was sending a few waves towards people he had already met when his eyes located an empty seat next to someone who seemed to be dreaming his 10th dream today. He made his way towards the seat, directing his eyes at the stranger next to him. Yet the hoodie of the person seemed somewhat familiar, making Hoseok knowingly smile to himself. He reached out his hand to poke the boy on his arm, awakening him from his slumber.

"Hi Yoongi"

Yoongi lifted himself up from the table, turning his head towards the voice. 

Oh no. 

Yoongi thought everything would be over and he would finally be able to sulk about his missed opportunities to befriend Hoseok, yet luck was not on his side. Blood rushed to his cheeks as he pushed a few strands of hair out of his face, trying to pretend like he didn't just drool all over this table.

"O-oh hi", He replied, trying to calm down his racing heartbeat that seemed to be so loud that even Hoseok was able to hear it.

Hoseok smiled, finding the boys flustered state quite cute, the only thing he was left to worry about was his own increasing heartbeat that he found hard to calm down.

"I should've figured out you will be in music class", Hoseok chuckled, noticing the same pair of earphones that were in Yoongis hands.

"Am I that obvious?" Yoongi replied, not quite sure whether that was a compliment or a critique, choosing to ignore the bubbling thoughts of overthinking. He's just a boy why are you freaking out so much? 

"Don't worry about it, for all I know I found someone who shares my love for music", Hoseok replied, trying to reassure the boy that it was more than okay. Their small talk was interrupted by the teacher walking into the classroom, implying the start of the lesson.

-

Yoongi could not decide whether Hoseoks presence made the class unbearable or his favorite, the absurd lack of concentration that he had because of the boy sitting just a few inches away. As the lesson went on, Yoongi found himself sucked into the subject they were learning, becoming completely unaware of Hoseoks eyes blatantly staring at him.

"... and for the last task of the day I would like you to discuss with the student sitting next to you about what kind of short musical phrase you're both going to create and elaborate upon that idea at home"

Yoongi looked down at his notebook, already trying to figure out how he is going to make this work when he was, yet again, interrupted by a cough. Hoseok. That's right! He is supposed to do this with no one other but him, how is that going to work? Yoongi took a deep breath, trying to reduce his nervousness.

"I think we should start off with getting familiar with each other's taste in music since we have to come up with this together", Hoseok suggested, his eyes glistening with eagerness.

Yoongi agreed, the two of them quickly getting into the conversation. He watched Hoseok as his eyes lit up while talking about his favorite artists and inspirations, about songs he wished he would've written himself, about what role these things played in his life, making the other boy join in the conversation, both of their opinions clashing and meeting, their voices intertwining together as a beautiful melody that Yoongi wished he could listen to more. With each minute of their conversation passing, Yoongi wished to understand what was the thing that Hoseok had in himself, what was that feeling of freedom he would get. The lesson started to come to an end, the school's screechy bell disrupting their conversation.

"... and that's why I think mixtapes are a beautiful way to capture music's timeless beauty"

"But don't you think cassettes are quite cheesy?" Yoongi replied, looking at the boy with pure curiosity.

"It's a more organic way of listening to music, it feels more personal, something only for you to listen to, a good way to express your feelings for another person," Hoseok said, a small smile escaping his lips as his eyes did not fail to capture a smile forming on Yoongis lips as well, his eyes crinkling as he did.

Hoseok stood up from his seat with a sigh, feeling quite sad for not being able to talk more with the boy, feeling like he shouldn't push Yoongi's boundaries. From what he has gathered, he still was quite a shy person. Both of them made their way towards the exit, a comfortable silence settling down between them. Yoongi found it weird feeling at ease with someone very close to a stranger. He felt as if he didn't need words to communicate, he didn't need to make himself look better to impress him because Hoseok seemed to see through every emotion his face made and as scary as it may seem at first - Yoongi liked that. Did he like Hoseok? Is it possible to feel such emotions towards someone you've known for such a short amount of time?

"I guess we part ways here. My mom is going to pick me up since she can't wait to see if I'm still alive after my first day," Hoseok finally spoke up, a light tint of pink bracing his features. 

Yoongi nodded understandingly, he had a bus to catch as well. A what seemed like Hoseok's mom's car finally came into view, making Hoseok take his eyes off of Yoongi's ones that seemed to be vibrating with pure anxiousness.

"Bye! It was really nice to get to know you today, I hope we see each other soon!" Hoseok exclaims as he turns around, his feet making their way towards the car.

Yoongi squeezed his earphones in his fist, trying his best to not let this moment go by, to not miss yet another opportunity he so desperately wanted to take. His teeth sunk into his lip harshly, his hands starting to get more sweaty as he tried to get over his fear, to get over himself, to say something to the boy who just made him open up to someone in what seemed like months.

"Hey, Hoseok?" Yoongi let out, his voice still a bit shaky and unsteady as if he just ran a mile. He had no idea what he was doing, but he wanted to do something, anything to let the other boy know how he feels. Hoseok was just about to shut the car door as he heard Yoongi's voice, not daring to move an inch more, his heartbeat picking up the speed in what seemed like the millionth time that day.

"Yes?" He replied, his eyes glistening with something Yoongi couldn't quite read.

"Well... I-i just thought..." He stopped with his sentence for a second, understanding that speaking out before thinking of what to actually say may not be the best decision. Whatever he had in mind now seemed completely ridiculous. Would Hoseok even like a date with me? And even if he did where would he want to go? I wouldn't even be able to give him the best that he deserves! What was I even thinking? Just because some guy was nice enough to talk to me does not mean I actually am a person of interest to him. Thoughts like these seemed to drown every piece of bravery in Hoseok's body, already making the boy tremble with disappointment. 

"...I just thought we could always sit in music class together... if that's okay with you..." Yoongi let out, his nails digging into his palm as he tried so hard to just stay calm.

"You didn't even have to ask! Can't wait for next Friday!" Hoseok replied cheerfully, finally closing the car door. As the car disappeared from the boys view so did the last drop of strength he tried to hold onto for so long. He stood there for a few minutes and watched the sky that seemed to become a warmer tone, a beautiful sunset starting to form. His worn out shoes angrily kicked a pebble that was laying on the pavement, his feet moving slowly. It's not like he had somewhere to rush to, the boy had already missed his bus. Yoongi took a deep breath, letting the music in his earphones calm him down, his eyes finally lifting up from the ground, reflecting the now setting sun.

-

Yoongis tired body got lost between a large number of pillows and blankets in his bed, another comforter covering all of his body, forming some sort of a hideaway from the world. Yoongi shuffled in his sheets, huffing as he still didn't seem to be able to shake off the uncomfortable feeling from his last encounter with Hoseok. His fingers searched for his phone until he got a grip on it, his fingers already pressing the dial button.

"How can I show a person that I like them if I'm not able to express it with words? Is this some sort of psychological issue I got from childhood trauma? Am I incapable of love?" Yoongi's questions spilled out of his mouth the second he heard a faint 'hello', desperation in his voice letting his best friend realize something had happened.

"Is this about a specific someone?" Namjoon asked, curiosity taking his breath away as he was shocked to find out Yoongi did indeed feel emotions.

"I'm the one asking questions here," Yoongi replied, his tone serious. Namjoon's teasing attitude started to fade as he realized this wasn't a joke or a book character Yoongi was talking about, this was a real situation and for some reason, it seemed very important to the poor boy at the other end of the phone call.

"Just because you don't express feelings the same way as most do, does not mean you're unable to love, Yoongi. Affection can be expressed in more ways than one, so just find a way that you feel most comfortable with and move from that. Don't ever feel the need to change your ways for someone else," Namjoon explained to the boy, a smile of fondness grazing his features as he couldn't stop wondering about what kind of a situation another boy got himself into.

-

Yoongi thought about Namjoon's answer for a while, finding himself agreeing with it. Music filled his room as he was still situated in his bed, the only light in the room being from a bedside table lamp and a few stars peeking out through his window as the night welcomed him once again. Yoongi thought about Hoseok's words and how he told him he hopes to see him soon. He wondered about the limits of the word 'soon' and how far to the future it reached. The boy opened his bedside table's drawer for his earphones to get ready to sleep, yet all he was able to find in the drawer was one single cassette that seemed to have no title yet.

Yoongi chuckled to himself, taking the cassette in his hands.

"How ironic"

[friday]

Friday came pretty fast, almost as if last week had no significance in the flow of time. Yoongis fingers, yet again tapped against the window of his lonely school bus that was too early for anyone to take. Each stop his eyes would hopefully gaze at the entrance of the bus, hoping for Hoseok to walk in. He hated that he wanted to see him, he hated that his own heart was longing for someone he could not reach, for someone who seemed so close to him because of their mind yet so far because of the dreaded society and the fact that Yoongi just can't get out of his comfort zone. Of course, if Hoseok was to show up it would scare him even more, the amount of tension he felt to look or sound appealing to the boy would drive him crazy. His thoughts lead him back to his plan, his cheeks becoming a shade darker - it was so stupid.

But what does he have to lose?

-

A loud sound rang through the sea of sounds as Hoseok shut his locker, the number of various school books weighing down his body. A sigh left his lips. The week passed quite quick, yet Hoseok was still in the haze of his first day. He met a lot of people and befriended most of them, yet the most significant greeting was his first, in the old empty school bus. He couldn't tell why he was so drawn to the boy, thinking it had an impact just because it was his first person met at school, yet he knew he was lying to himself. Yoongi was quite far from ordinary. The boys' presence seemed almost non-existent at school, he didn't see him in any of his classes or in the hallways, the cafeteria always left him somewhat disappointed. He tried to shake off the thoughts about Yoongi most times, but every space seemed missing, missing someone. 

Classes began and finished one after another and it was time for his lunch break, which he enjoyed. His new dearest friends - Jungkook and Jimin seemed to lighten up his mood each time they've met up. Jungkook was a very happy and sociable kid. He was very bright, acing all of his classes, but also had a very dorky side, Jungkook and him often staying up at night to play games and laugh at memes they found online. He was a mood booster himself. Jimin was a huge pile of fun, always talking about everyone he knew at school, his bank of knowledge of the school's gossip reaching the sky. He talked a lot, but it never bored Hoseok. He was also very emotional and understanding, always offering his emotional support to both of the boys. The three of them got to hang out a lot because of the extra dance classes that they had together. They would often meet up after school to practice and grab a bite to eat after. The boys made Hoseok happy and his brand new high school experience more bearable. As he walked into a huge space of the cafeteria his eyes scanned the place to find his friends. The boys got their traits and sat down, exchanging a few stories about their day at school.

"So how's your school life as a bachelor?" Jimin asked in a teasing tone, wiggling his eyebrows.

Hoseok wasn't blind to not see a few people that were interested in him in that way, yet he didn't seem to take any interest, he just wasn't the person to fall for just anyone and he knew that he had to be careful around so many shallow people at school, who didn't seem to share the same opinion.

"Well, it's quite non-existent, I'd have to admit", Hoseok replied, taking another bit of his apple. Jimin scoffed, his lips forming into an angry pout, making Jungkook laugh. Even though Jungkook was very social and energetic, he often remained silent in conversations because of his quiet nature, he enjoyed the time none the less, it just meant he was very comfortable around the boys.

"The number of girls gushing over you won't let that happen Hobi! You keep making me mad talking like that and I will have to make myself your new matchmaker." Jimin spat out word after word, his annoyed tone entertaining the other two. Jimin took another bite out of his sandwich and inhaled again to speak. 

"Even right now, can't you feel a pair of eyes legitimately ogling you? Nicky has been eye raping you for the past ten minutes! She's pretty cute, isn't she? You could deff go for her!" Hoseok chuckled, wiping his lips with a napkin.

"Well my main problem with Nicky over there is that she's not a Nick", Hoseok said a matter of fact-ly, making Jimin almost choke on his food, a huge grin gracing his features.

"I would've never thought you were a fellow gay! Now that I think about it, that's even better, the talks the queer guys have about you in the locker rooms after PE are quite juicy-"

"I'm a hundred percent sure I don't want to hear any of it Jimin", He laughed, a fond smile coming to his lips. "A-and thank you... for not making the gay thing awkward. I really got some shit for it and I'm just happy you guys are so chill about it", Hoseok replied, a knot of nervousness still ticking his stomach.

"What are you even talking about Hobi! Of course, we accept you just the way you are, you love who you love and if that ends up being an incredibly hot 2006 Zac Efron lookalike I'm more than embracing it!" Jimin grinned, patting Hoseoks shoulder fondly.

"That's not really my type Jimin"

"Oh god, I doubted before, but now I'm completely sure you're a man of poor taste", Jimin scoffed jokingly, messing up Hoseok's hair. Jimin gave an extra reassuring squeeze to Hoseoks shoulder as if to reassure that it was okay, he was okay. A comfortable silence grew between the boys. He felt Jungkooks hand squeezing his under the table and when he looked at him he saw Jungkook giving him a small smile as well. He felt loved.

-

Yoongi threw his leftover lunch in the garbage bin, bidding the librarian goodbye. It's not like Yoongi didn't have any friends, he just preferred his time alone. Such crowded places as the cafeteria made him anxious, nervous even. He thought of his school day as a whole. Nothing new seemed to happen, nothing exciting or even remotely upsetting. He couldn't tell why he seemed to feel annoyed by that yet he was. He knew that the only way for him to experience excitement was to break away from his own introverted ways, but he just didn't feel that it was necessary. The school bell rang, now making him late for his class. Music. It felt as if his stomach was squeezed by a fist, not letting any air to come out. He was finally about to spend highly anticipated 45 minutes with the boy he was embarrassingly thinking of too much. He walked into class, his eyes looking down, the straps of his backpack being harshly squeezed in his palm. As he reached his seat he sat down, taking out his things, one of the earbuds falling out of his ear.

"Missed me?", a voice that he seemed to remember just the same, rang in his ears, making him look up to the boy.

"I-uh", He couldn't get out of his flustered state as he kept his wide eyes glued to Hoseok, the small sparkles of sunlight dancing around in the boys' eyes, hypnotizing him. He gulped, why is he like this?

"I'm kidding! Though I definitely missed our conversations, you're one of the most interesting people around here and I just can't seem to catch you at school", Hoseok rushed to reply, his own face flushing.

"O-oh... I... I missed talking to you too", Yoongi replied, Hoseok's lips forming into a grin as he kept watching Yoongi fondly. It seemed as if Hoseok's grin was contagious because seconds later Yoongi was wearing his own smile on his face and if Hoseok could wish for one moment where a camera was in his hands he would choose this moment because Yoongi's gummy smile was something he definitely wanted to look back to.

"... And that's why I need your full attention to explain the further work you will have to do on these projects..." The sudden loud voice of the teacher broke out the moment before it was finished, making Yoongi almost jump in his seat, his heart thumping against his ribcage. However, the loud voice of the teacher didn't make Hoseok flinch in the slightest as he watched the story that was Min Yoongi unfold in front of him, a fond smile against his lips yet again. He was definitely a sight.

The class continued, needing both of the boys' concentration, yet neither of them seemed foccused. Hoseok kept overthinking every body movement Yoongi seemed to make. Sometimes Yoongi would situate his hand in the middle of the table, his fingers slightly sticking out of his own made sweater paw, exposing his pale fingers making Hoseok blatantly stare at his hand, wondering how it feels to touch it. Are his hands soft? Are they cold or warm just as his own that are currently sweating for reasons unknown to him? Sometimes Yoongi would shift in his seat, resting his head on one of his hands, his slightly messy black hair getting in Hoseoks sight. Hoseok couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like to play with his hair while the boy's head rested on his lap. He couldn't decide whether he wanted the class to finish or never end. He didn't want whatever feelings he had towards the boy messing with his brain any longer, he knew it wasn't healthy for him.

The class was nearing the end, the teacher giving the five last minutes for their own freedom. Hoseok finally got out of his daze as he saw a pair of eyes looking at him with curiosity.

"S-so what do you think of this part of the project? I feel like we will need to take extra time to prepare for it" He heard Yoongi's silent voice, Hoseok founding the stutter adorable. And right. He didn't listen to anything during the class.

"Uhh we can go over to mine and work on it sometime? I don't live far from school so it shouldn't be a problem for you right?" Hoseok replied, internally patting himself on the back for initiating their meet up.

"'T-that's great", Yoongi replied, nodding, not really sure what to say next. Hoseok smiled, pushing his phone against the table and forward to Yoongi.

"Insert your phone number, I will message you whenever I'm free, I promise to not give it out to anyone else." As if someone else would be needing my number Yoongi thought. He inserted his number with shaky hands, naming himself "Yoongi from music class", not sure whether Hoseok would remember his name otherwise. And god was he wrong about that.

The bell rang and Yoongi took a deep breath. It was now or never. He took the small mixtape out of his backpack secretly, hiding it in the sleeve of his sweater. He wanted to just reach his hand out and give it to the boy, but he just. He couldn't. Hoseok stood up stretching his tired muscles as Yoongi stood up, taking a step towards Hoseoks side of the table.

"Hey, Hoseok-"

"Where have you been Hoseok? Dance practice is about to start! We can't waste any time!" Another voice belonging to Jeon Jungkook interrupted the boy, making him silence his voice, the very last drop of courage leaving his body. As Hoseok turned towards the other boy Yoongi looked down just to see one of his shoes untied. Just the timing isn't it. As he crouched down to the ground Hoseok's backpack came into view. And so did the idea. He quickly unzipped one of the zippers of Hoseoks backpack and sneaked the mixtape inside, quickly zipping it up afterward. A huge dose of adrenalin came over the boy as he almost ran out of the classroom, his shoelaces still untied.

-

Trees were passing by the window of the school bus, the moody clouds mixing together signifying a storm. The weather resembled Yoongis state quite well. The whole time in class he couldn't concentrate, his heart denying the possibility to calm down. He wanted as much as to sneak a small glance at the boy yet he couldn't, every move calculated in his brain. He wanted Hoseok to not be so likable, but it just wasn't possible. And now, that the mixtape he worked on four hours was in its owners backpack his mind couldn't stop aching with thoughts. Will Hoseok like it? And will he suspect him? He was afraid that every song would resemble him so much that it would be just a matter of time when Hoseok confronts him about it and he wasn't ready for that. Hoseok seemed to occupy every part of his brain and now suddenly music didn't sound the same.

-

As Hoseok was dragged out of music class he couldn't help but feel annoyed. He couldn't even say goodbye to the boy he wished to see for so long! The dance practice was good, yet somewhat irritating, his mind dancing around other things rather than the beat of the song. As it came to an end, the boys decided to grab a bite to eat at a diner nearby. As they sat down they had conversations about small nothings when Jungkook suddenly interrupted his and Jimin's debate, his focus now directed towards a boy who seemed to be nibbling at his food ever since it got brought to the table.

"Hoseok, what are you thinking about? Or should I say who are you thinking about?" Both of the boys' eyes staring at the thoughtful boy.

"Me?" Hoseok looked up, looking as if he was unaware of the state he was in, which he obviously tried to deny. Hell Jungkook, why do you have to see through me so well he thought.

"Yes you Mr. pensive", Jungkook replied, a curious smirk on his face.

"I'm just... remember when we talked about my non-existent love life?" He began, not sure whether he wants to share his feelings with others. Jimin suddenly jumped in his seat, clapping his hands together, expecting somewhat a thrilling story.

"I think I might've found someone I'm interested in", Hoseok trailed off, the grip on his fork tightening. Such a statement made both of the boys gasp, their eyes looking at Hoseok expectingly as if to scream tell us more you dipshit! 

"I don't know... he just seems interesting? It's nothing too serious really." Jungkook and Jimin exchanged knowing glances. Nothing too serious my ass. 

"You so have a crush on someone Hoseok! Come on tell us who they are maybe we can help you!" Jimin exclaimed a little bit too excitedly.

"Can I keep the person a secret for some time? I need to sort my feelings, I don't even know them that well..." Hoseok rambled on, a huge blush settling on his cheeks.

"Okay Mr. secretive, we won't nag you for the time being, but you have to tell us soon, I'm dying to know who they are!" Jimin whined while trying to read Hoseok's expression that seemed like a riddle he couldn't find an answer to.

Hoseok didn't know why telling about Yoongi to others was so hard, it's not like they'd judge him, they would probably help him get to know him even more, but something was holding him back and deep down Hoseok knew that it was because he felt that he wanted to keep Yoongi all to himself, he wanted Yoongi to be his own found treasure and telling about him to others would be like exposing the greatest secret he has ever held.

-

\- What's up?

"No... that sounds so fuck boyish, what am I trying to prove"

\- wyd

"God, I'm not thirteen anymore"

\- I miss you

"Yeah sure thing Hoseok, message that and you can start looking for a casket"

How was messaging one person so hard? It has already been two hours since Hoseok came home and felt as if he has caught the worst of allergies because his phone with Yoongi's number inside would not stop itching. Since then the boy has been trying to figure out how to smoothly hit the boy up and maybe have a conversation but the words were just not coming to him or maybe they were, but Hoseok was overthinking every letter of every word and that made the mission "casually text Yoongi" impossible. He sighed for what seemed like a millionth time today, his arm reaching down for his backpack that was laying on the ground next to his bed, his fingers grasping the zipper and unzipping the backpack, his fingers wandering around the small space for his headphones when he felt an unknown object against his palm. A curious expression grazed his features as he wondered what it may be, his thoughts immediately came to a stop when he pulled out the object in front of him. It was what seemed like a cassette. The front of the cassette was painted with watercolors that formed small clouds with a variety of skies colors, on top of the paint was " for him" written in messy writing. He had to admit, it looked cute. He took the front out of the case to examine it some more, hoping to see a name or some initials or anything of that kind yet he failed, the said cassette was nameless except for his own name. Did someone make him a mixtape? On the other side there was a tracklist:

°。°。°。°。°。°。°。゜。°。°。°。

1\. smile

2\. trees

3\. girl (boy) at the bus stop

4\. you're cute

5\. crush on you

°。°。°。°。°。°。°。゜。°。°。°。

  But, oh, my heart grew active

When you came into view

 

  I've got a crush on you, sweetie pie

 

All the day and night-time give me sigh 

Words ran out through Hoseoks ears as he listened to the last track. He didn't want to suck his own dick, but whoever made this mixtape did seem to confess of having a crush on the boy and he never thought his heart could beat so fast as it was beating right now. The songs were beautiful and he was sad to admit he had never heard of them before. As he listened to the mixtape over and over again, happiness ran through his body as he wondered who it may be from, it's not like they gave themselves away by the titles of the songs. Hoseok wanted to know so much he didn't even find the fact that someone definitely sneaked it into his backpack creepy. He figured that whoever that made the mixtape was probably shy and weren't able to approach the boy and he understood why. He knew that by the looks of it he did seem social and a bit out of anyone's league and he hated that because people he wanted attention from just wouldn't have the courage to approach him. Yoongi. His thoughts came back to the same subject of the black haired boy and he did not dare to even question the mixtape being from him. It couldn't. That would be too good to be true. This is not a movie. He couldn't help but wish it was from Yoongi. A thought came to him. What if it was one of his friends pulling a very mean joke on him? He quickly found his phone, messaging his and the boys' group chat.

hoeseok:

\- did any of u leave a cassette in my backpack?

 

jungle book:

\- what is a cassette

jimbles:

\- do people even use those anymore?

He fell back into the pile of pillows on his bed, a sigh of relief leaving his lips. So it wasn't any of them. He was able to taunt his head with thoughts of who it may be for even longer. 

Before going to sleep the boy carefully took out the cassette, retrieving it into its small case, his fingers going through the cover once more, a small smile on his lips. He put it in one of the drawers of his bedside table, closing it shut.

That night he fell asleep dizzy with excitement, an empty conversation window still opened on his phone.

-

Yoongis night seemed to go completely different than Hoseoks. If Yoongi did not have any pain factors he would most definitely bite of his fingers because what the fuck was he thinking when he added such songs? He wanted to re-edit every track, again and again, to hide somewhat obvious parts that reveal him. Hoseok just can't be that obvious! He was afraid to do as much as step a foot into school because even if Hobi didn't know who it was from he'd want to find out and Yoongi knew there was nothing harder than to lie to the boy.

He checked his notifications for what seemed like a millionth time today. No messages or missed calls. Disappointment grazed his features as he realized Hoseok still hasn't messaged him yet. And why should he? It's not like now you're best of friends? He has way more friends than you ever will and that just proves that you don't deserve him! His subconsciousness rang through his mind hurtfully making the boy squeeze the earbuds tighter in his ears. He closed his eyes, expecting a long restless night.

If only Yoongi knew Hoseok was the most obvious person on earth.

[tuesday]

Hoseok felt determined when he walked into school on a Tuesday morning. He made it his number one priority to figure out who was his secret mixtape lover and he was not going to let it go. No matter how much tries it'd take. He knew he needed help from his friends to figure that out. The second the school bell announced lunch his feet took him to the cafeteria, his feet eagerly bouncing under the table, waiting for his company. As he greeted his friends he tried to stay as calm as possible, but that just wasn't his nature. A loud bang of his fist on the table intruded Jimin's and Jungkook's mindless flirting (and yes, he was scared of becoming the third wheel of his group because let's be honest, it was just the matter of time when the two of them will make it a thing).

"I can't keep it in anymore! Ahh, I feel like I'll die if I keep shut about this!" Hoseok sprung out, his demeanor changing into something similar to a whiny child.

Both of the boys seemed to get out of their daze, shocking expressions on their faces.

"Hobi you can talk about it, just please let's not get kicked out of the cafeteria for being too aggressive okay?" Jimin replied shushing the boy and he was right. At least five tables around them were giving them questionable glances.

"Okay so remember when I messaged you if you guys had put a mixtape in my backpack?" Hoseok asked, his fingers nervously tapping on the table.

"Yeah what was that about? Did you have a weird dream or something? I told you that eating heavily before naps was unhealthy Ho-"

"No! It was actually there! Someone had put a mixtape of songs in my backpack that were really sweet and", Hoseok stopped for a second in order to take a breath, his eyes now examining his shoes, "The last song was called 'crush on you' and I can't help but feel like someone does really have a crush on me and I want to know who it is and that's why I had to tell you all of this because I can't seem to not think about it!" Hoseok finally took another deep breath after spilling so many words out of his mouth, his eyes now running from one boy to the other, looking for any kind of reaction.

"So you have a secret admirer? Why do you seem to get the best things out of us three?" Jimin scoffed playfully, finding this situation rather interesting. "Well, whoever made the mixtape definitely has a huge shameful crush on you because who would go through so much effort only to make you feel so giddy?" Jimin asked rhetorically. What he said did really made sense, making Hoseok think.

"But it still does not answer the question of who it is! Please Jimin, you know more about everyone at school than me!" Hoseok said pleadingly.

"Of course we will figure out who it is Hobi! After all, it can't be that hard to track one person at school who's shy and has a huge appreciation for music", Jimin replied, getting into his own thoughtful mindset. 

"Thank you, guys...The mixtape really made me happy and I feel like whoever it is I would get along with very well and I don't know, maybe it can turn into something... I don't know... real?" Hoseok said, trying to choose his words carefully.

The three of them sat in silence for the rest of the lunch break, trying to think of who it may be.

"Mixtapes are kinda gay though"

"Shut the fuck up and drink your juice Jungkook"

-

Yoongi exited the school after the lunch had started, not caring to come back. Namjoon finally took his important exams meaning he could finally spend time with Yoongi and no class was gonna get in between that. He made his way down the block, heading towards his and Namjoons beloved cafe. The day was cloudy and very windy, making Yoongi grip his jacket tighter around his body. A chirpy noise of the bell rang through the cafe as the boy entered, his eyes skimming around the room to find his friend. Namjoon sat further from the entrance, a book in his hands. He probably has been waiting for him for some time. Namjoon was leaning on the table with his upper body, his eyebrows furrowed, eyes quickly running through the lines. For a few seconds, Yoongi stopped in his tracks, a fond smile settling on his lips as he admired his best friend. He met Namjoon while visiting the very same cafe every day or so after school. He used his time there to finish up his homework with some coffee and quickly became accustomed to Namjoon since he would usually work as a barista on Wednesdays between his university classes. Namjoon started remembering Yoongis orders and asking about his day at school and Yoongi started discussing different books Namjoon had recently read. It was strange how all of it turned into such a strong connection but Yoongi decided to not overthink it. He was happy to have Namjoon.

He finally reached Namjoon, the boys gaze switching from the book to him, a wide grin all over his face, dimples sticking out on both of his cheeks.

"I haven't seen you in so long Yoongi! You haven't changed at all!" Namjoon exclaimed, chuckling. Yoongi rolled his eyes at the boys' comment, sitting down in front of the boy.

"Hey! We haven't seen each other for months and that's how you treat me? Disgusting," Yoongi scoffed playfully.

"Now that I look at you, you definitely changed in some way, I just can't tell what it is," Namjoon furrowed his brows yet again, fingers caressing his chin as he tried to think of what it may be. A recent phone conversation they had popped into his brain. Bingo. Namjoon smiled, a knowing look on his face. "You like someone".

Yoongi shifted in his seat, a startled grimace evident on his face. He tried to hide the blood rushing to his cheeks, but Namjoon was not stupid, a proud smile of achievement on his face. Yoongi was just so goddamn obvious.

"So, who is it?" Namjoon asked. As eager as he was he still wanted to take the conversation slowly. He knew that pushing the boy might cause him to shut down, especially since it was such a fragile subject. Yoongi played with the strings of his hoodie, a stupid smile forming on his face.

"It's this new guy at school... His name is Hoseok and I met him on the bus on his first day. He's not just attractive Joon, even though he is. He's so carefree and caring, he loves music and we have so many of the same interests I feel like I'm talking to myself! I can't stop feeling weird about it. It's like when he's next to me I crave his complete attention and when he's away I can't seem to stop wanting to see him again. I feel so stupid feeling like this lost puppy, but I just can't help it", Yoongi whined out desperately, his fists clenching. It was good to finally let everything out.

"It definitely is a crush, Yoon. But there's nothing wrong with having a crush. Yes, it might be thought depriving and weird, but doesn't it also make you quite happy? Cherish that, there's nothing more pleasant than feeling the ground disappearing beneath your feet as you fall for someone", Namjoon replied, a calm expression on his face. "Have you approached him in any way? Did our phone call help you figure something out?"

"Well... I kinda made a mixtape for him? And I thought it was a good way to get my feelings out there, right? But now I can't help but overthink that it's revealing my identity way too much and now I feel scared to go to school because what if he didn't like it or what if he thought I'm weird-"

"But wasn't the purpose of a mixtape to reveal yourself to him slowly? You're not weird and if you do share the love for music he must love your song choices, don't overthink it, Yoon", Namjoon interrupted him reassuringly. "If anything, I'm pretty sure he would be happy to find out it was from you, he'd be stupid not to like you".

Yoongi sighed. Namjoons words were true, he had nothing to be scared about, yet he was. He couldn't help but let his insecurities get in the way of his plan.

As time passed the boys chatted away, enjoying their time together as the sidewalks got covered in rain, making the atmosphere even cozier. He was so busy listening to Namjoons stories that he missed a silent sound of a text notification on his phone. The message belonging to no one other than Hoseok.

-

"Could it be Taehyung by any chance?" Jimin asked, sipping on his straw. Their trio was sitting at their favorite ice cream parlor when the topic of the mixtape got brought up again.

"Kim Taehyung? The guy from math class? Why would he make a mixtape for me? Does he know me?" Hoseok asked, quite confused. 

He has seen Taehyung a few times at school, the conversations they shared had been short and simple. Of course, he could sense that Taehyung was being a bit flirty, but wasn't he flirty with most people?

"Yeah him. We sometimes hang out after some classes and he has asked about you a few times, which makes me think he is indeed interested in you. He also has great taste in music. Wouldn't that be logical?" Jimin replied, smiling.

"Uh yeah maybe, I guess I should talk to him soon?" Hoseok replied, nervousness taking over his body as he thought of Taehyung actually being the mystery mixtape person. He didn't know Taehyung personally, yet he was willing to try if that meant he could finally fit the pieces in his mind together.

"Okay, I will mention him that you would be interested to meet him, expect him messaging you soon!"Jimin exclaimed, already too excited for the two boys.

"No! Don't do that! Maybe he will suspect that I am suspecting him!" Hoseok rushed to reply, his teeth sinking into his lip.

"Uhhh you're really too shy Hoseok, showing your interest is nothing bad! But if you say so - okay. I will just invite him to one of our hangouts sometime", Jimin replied, taking out his phone.

As their hangout continued Hoseok's mind was still running through a very new situation. He took out his phone lazily to check the time and suddenly he remembered. He still hasn't messaged Yoongi. He sneakily opened his text messages, finding the contact on his phone once again, chuckling at Yoongis name that he has set up for himself, finally deciding to change it into "Cute Yoongi from music class", smiling to himself as he did. He decided to not overthink his message as he previously had done before, knowing that if he did it again he most likely will never end up messaging the boy. His fingers tapped on the keyboard forming a message and quickly pressing "send" before he had a chance to doubt himself.

For the rest of the night, the boy couldn't stop checking his phone, expecting a reply.

-

Yoongi fell back into his sheets. He felt the weight on his shoulders becoming lighter from the talk he shared with his best friend, yet the loud thumbs of his heart didn't seem to stop. As he made himself more comfortable in his bed, music playing in the background, his eyes fell on a small tube of glittery nail polish. He always wanted to paint his nails, maybe even wear lip gloss sometimes, yet he was too shy and scared that it would attract too much unwanted attention from his peers. A sigh left his lips. If he was able to put that goddamn mixtape into Hoseok's backpack he sure as hell could do this. He reached out to grab the nail polish, opening it and letting his nails be covered in an enormous amount of glitter.

-

Later that night when he let his nails dry, he was getting ready for bed. As he walked out of the shower, the music coming from his phone got slightly muted as the small ding of a text message erupted from his phone. A loud squeaky noise came out of the boy as he saw an unknown number sending him a message. His trembling fingers unlocked the phone, pulling up the message.

Unknown:

\- Hey it's Hoseok from music class

\- Are u free this weekend?

A terrified expression grazed the boys' features as he froze in his place. What the fuck does he reply to that? Anytime for you baby? Hey, I have the hugest crush on you so why don't you just take me to your house and- no. He stopped himself before more thoughts like these could cross his already tortured head.

Yoongi:

\- Hi, it's Yoongi

As he hit send his body went numb. Of course, it's you, shitface! You gave him your number! Yoongis fingers frantically ran across his keyboard in hopes to try and fix the trainwreck that was this conversation that hasn't even fully started.

\- I mean yeah, obviously it's me haha

\- what's up?

\- and yes, why are you asking

He bit the inside of his cheek as the three dreaded dots appeared on his screen. Hoseok was writing something.

Hoseok:

\- did u forget about our music project?

\- it's cute, but don't be so nervous, it's just me!

Yoongi mentally facepalmed himself as he finally came back to sanity. Of course the music project! Why else would he have his number? The boy was already considering jumping out of his window when he read the second message. „It's cute"? Did Hoseok just call him cute? „It's just me"? That's exactly the problem Hoseok! Yoongi scowled the boy in his head. He couldn't decide on what part of the message he should focus on, his hands now shaking in both fear and excitement as he finally got to talk to the boy. The fact that it was the boys' actual number, that he was actually talking to him was still mind-blowing to him.

Yoongi:

\- oh right, the project!

\- I'm free anytime, so whenever is the most comfortable for you

He typed out, quickly hitting send and locking his phone, not able to look at the chat screen any longer. He couldn't gather the pieces of his brain and heart that seemed to have detangled in his body. He shut his eyes, hoping for the best. His phone vibrated in his palm, indicating another message from the boy.

Hoseok:

\- How about 6 pm on Saturday in the park next to the school? My house is near the place so we can walk there together?

\- If ure okay with that

Yoongi:

\- Sure

Yoongi quickly replied, not really sure how he was going to get next to the school at 6 pm without a bus. He knew he could've just said something, but he didn't want to intrude the boys' plans and he couldn't risk missing an opportunity to see him again.

Hoseok:

\- okay then, it's settled! Snacks are on me

\- sweet dreams

Yoongi calmly set his phone on the sink of his bathroom. He realized he was still wrapped in a towel, now cold drops of water hitting his neck from his hair. He took his phone into his hands again, re-reading the conversation that just happened. It seemed like even Hoseok's „sweet dreams" wasn't enough to get him to go to sleep.

[friday]

Friday came sooner than expected, and honestly, Yoongi couldn't decide whether he wanted it to never come or come as soon as possible, the mixture of anticipation and anxiousness never leaving his head. Nothing much happened at school, leaving the boy with a lot of time on his hands, which lead him to overthink even more.

As he walked across the halls of the school, the sea of highschoolers swallowing him, giving the boy a small feeling of anxiety. As he walked one of his earbuds fell out of his ear just in time for him to hear a faint „Hobi!" behind him. He knew the voice belonged to one of Hoseok's friends, making him turn around immediately, causing a lot of confused looks around him. As much as he tried squinting his eyes to find the person he was looking for he couldn't, the voices of Hoseok's friends already disappearing into the mixture of the noise of the school.

Unfortunately, the incident kept happening more times than one. The next time he heard a loud „Hobi" was when he was stuffing his face with a muffin in the library, making him almost spit out the remaining pieces of food from his mouth and try to hide as he first – was embarrassed about the fact that he was eating alone, second - he was eating in the library. His eyes scanned the library yet all he seemed to notice were the three boys leaving the room. For the rest of the day, he couldn't force the nickname slip out of his brain. He wondered if there will ever be a moment in his life where he'd be able to address the boy with that name, making him feel a bit upset.

As the time came closer and closer to music class the only thing Yoongi thought of was how he wasn't ready to see Hoseok just yet. He was still mentally preparing for Saturday and now this? A sigh left his lips. He wasn't the one to skip classes.

-

Yoongi walked into the classroom that was still empty. He placed his backpack on the ground, taking out his things. As he reached for his pencil case his fingers grabbed an unknown object, his eyebrows furrowing as he took the item out, realizing it was the same clear lip gloss he thought of yesterday. He remembered putting it into his backpack just in case he gathered enough courage to actually put it on. He turned on his front camera, opening the tube with his fingers, the fruity smell reaching the boy's nostrils. He quickly put it on. It was his last class so he knew that he wouldn't have to deal with the consequences. The bell rang yet again, familiar faces filling up the classroom. He took out a black sharpie, doodling on his notebook, waiting for the class to start. A small cough interrupted him, making him look at the person next to him, the enigma itself.

Hoseok looked really nice. There was something slightly different about him. Maybe it was his hair that was slightly messier than usual or maybe it was a wide grin the boy was giving him, his eyes sparkling with the kind of fondness he has never seen in anyone's eyes before.

-

Hoseok has been having a great day. The classes went by quickly, his friends were there and it was also Friday, which meant he got to see Yoongi again and as much as his friends begged for him to skip his last class for that day, he was not going to miss his chance. He was quite entertained by Yoongis flustered state when they texted and could only imagine the way the boy's cheeks turned pink and his fingers squeezed the ends of his sweater, the image only making the boy want to see him even more. He couldn't wait for Saturday when the boy was going to come over and managed to clean his room three times already because of how nervous he was. It was no surprise that he wanted to become closer with to boy yet he didn't want to make a wrong move, for all he knew the interest might not be reciprocated.

As he walked into the classroom his long legs urgently moved themselves to his seat next to Yoongi, deciding to let out a small cough as if to inform the other boy of his presence. But when the boy turned around it was something he had never expected to see. He noticed the boy was doodling small flowers on his notebook, finding it quite cute, but god was he not prepared for what he was about to see next. His cough made the boy almost jump in his seat making Hoseok hold in a chuckle. The boy's hair was a bit messy, making him think he hasn't brushed off his sleep created hairstyle. His mouth was formed into a small ‚o' shape, his lips coated in something shiny, what Hoseok figured was lip gloss. All the breath seemed to be sucked out of Hoseok's body as he shamefully stared at the boy's lips that seemed so soft, so plush he couldn't help but want to taste them, to have them trapped in his. His eyes detached themselves from his lips and now were on the same boy's eyes that were still wide and now staring back at him with just as much intensity.

"U-uh are you okay?" Yoongi asked, wondering what startled the boy so much, he was the one who startled him first.

"Yea-ah I'm good," The other boy let out, avoiding the other Yoongi's captivating gaze. "Hey Yoongi," He greeted the boy with a small smile.

"Hi Hobi"

As soon as the name came out of his mouth Yoongi wished for the earth to swallow him whole. Such nickname would've been fine if the boys were closer, yet he wasn't even supposed to know about the name. What is Hoseok gonna think of all this? That I'm some creepy stalker who lurks on him on school grounds and then follows him home? Fuckfuckfuck! Yoongi's head was blasting the strangest thoughts into his brain, making the boy dig his nails into his palms. A soft gasp left Hoseok's lips as he watched the other mess of a boy.

"I like the way you sound when you say my name", Hoseok smiled, a bit surprised himself. A lot of people called him that, but he was never expecting it to come out from Yoongi. He was afraid that after this moment he won't like anyone else calling him that but him.

Yoongi quickly shifted in his seat, averting his eyes to the teacher, his arm sticking out next to his face, shielding it from Hoseok's intense gaze. What kind of sexual innuendo was this? The way you sound when you say my name? Fifty shades of grey who? Yoongi could swear his face looked like a bright red tomato.

Ten minutes had passed after the small incident and Yoongi seemed to have calmed down and found himself enjoying the class, exchanging small nods or funny looks with Hoseok as if silently reacting to the same things they have noticed. Yoongi's head was still resting on his palm, his nails now digging into his hair. Hoseok turned his gaze to the boy, his eyes catching something glitter-like in his hair. The glitter seemed to be from the nail polish that was coated on the dark-haired boy's nails. A fond smile graced his features as he gushed about how cute Yoongi was in his head. The lip gloss and now the nail polish? One more thing like this and Hoseok swore he would officially lose every last drop of sanity he had left.

-

The class finally came to an end. The two of them walked out of the classroom, discussing what kind of equipment the two of them will be needing for their project. As they walked through the main door of the school, a warm breeze of fresh air hit them, content smiles on their faces. Hoseok looked down at the shorter boy in front of him, kicking a pebble next to his feet.

"So I guess I'll be seeing you on Saturday! Don't forget to bring your notes!" Hoseok exclaimed, his eyes widening a bit as he noticed a small pout appearing on Yoongis face, making his soft cheeks stick out. He didn't want to give himself so much credit as if to say the boy was sad to part ways, but he did want it to be true. Hoseok gave Yoongi one last smile, his eyes still running through Yoongi's features as if to memorize them as best as he could, making Yoongi squirm under his gaze.

"Y-yeah see you-"

"Yoon! I was just looking for you! Let's hurry before they sell all their freshly baked goods!" A loud voice of Kim Namjoon interrupted the flustered boy mid-sentence, making him turn around. Just a few meters away stood his best friend, excitement written all over his face.

Neither one of the boys had time to say a single thing when Namjoons long arm wrapped itself around Yoongi's shoulders, swiftly guiding him further from the school, making Yoongi tear his gaze away from Hoseok.

"B-bye!" Yoongi let out, missing a small wave from Hoseok, who was left there standing alone, completely dumbfounded.

As the two guys got further and further away from the school and finally out of his sight, Hoseok's feet seemed to be glued to the same spot as he couldn't name the feeling that was taking over his body. He knew he was in no place to be possessive of the boy, but he couldn't help but feel protective over him. Was the guy his boyfriend? Where were they going? Why was he so excited to see him and why did he call him Yoon? I'm not jealous.

There are things you never admit to yourself or others but they are still painfully true. And god was Hoseok was jealous.

-

"So was that lover boy?" Namjoon asked, his teasingly cheeky tone revealing the fact that he already knew the answer to his own question.

Yoongi scoffed at the other boy, taking his arm off of him, a disgusted look on his face.

"Why'd you do that? You looked like my dad picking me up from school! What if he thought you were my sugar daddy or something?!" Yoongi scolded the boy, frustration evident in his tone. Yoongis statement only made Namjoon knowingly chuckle, ruffling the other boys' hair.

Namjoon is forgetful, sometimes clumsy, but he's definitely not stupid.

Before he approached the pair he stood there and watched their fidgety conversation. The two of them were so obviously oblivious towards each other that it made Namjoon angry. He knew that for one of them to make the first move something really drastic was bound to happen, that's why he came to hug Yoongi, hoping it will strike at least somewhat of a reaction from Hoseok as if to scream 'don't sit around! do something!'.

For the rest of their hangout, the boys talked and shared freshly baked cookies, Yoongi talked about school while Namjoon told him about his classes.

The whole day Namjoon pretended he didn't notice Yoongi desperately checking his phone. He didn't see the point of asking what he was waiting for. He already knew the answer.

-

[saturday]

Yoongis feet dangled above the ground as he sat on one of the benches at the park, his upper body slightly leaning forward as he rested his palms under his legs, his earbuds silencing his anxiousness. He was sitting on one of the benches in the center of the park, his bicycle laying next to the bench. He admired places like these. Places that were untouched and natural, where you couldn't hear any traffic or be stuck in the sea of people. The day was quiet, the sky changing it's color to grey, the warm wind caressing his face. Yoongi couldn't hear anything around him due to the loud music coming from his earbuds when suddenly he felt someone's presence next to him and he was right. Next to him sat Hoseok. Slightly baggy jeans hung around his legs, an oversized hoodie covering his upper body. Yoongi gave the boy a small smile.

"Hi," He muttered, his eyes finding Hoseok's.

"Hey Yoon, let's go, I see you got here with your bike? Isn't the wind a bit too much?" Hoseok asked, reaching his hand out so that the boy could stand up with his help.

Yoongi almost choked on his own breath as the nickname rolled out of Hoseok's lips. He remembered the nickname Namjoon gave to him. Yoongi's cheeks flushed as he took Hoseok's hand, standing up.

"It's okay, I like feeling the wind around me," The boy replied, smiling back at him.

They made their way towards Hoseok's home in comfortable yet very tension-filled silence, exchanging words here and there when Hoseok would show him something memorable in his neighborhood, gossiping about the neighbors. Soon enough they stopped next to an average sized two- story house. The two of them made their way towards the front door, Hoseok letting Yoongi go in first, shutting the door behind them. The house seemed nothing like Hoseok's personality. The colors of the walls were all pale and dusty, it made Yoongi feel cold just by looking around. The only things that stood out were his family pictures, most of them consisting of baby Hoseok with his parents and siblings. He couldn't help but try and hide his surprised expression. From the way Hoseok acted and held himself you'd believe that his parents were just like him, yet something inside of him made him think otherwise. The two of them climbed up the stairs as Hoseok lead the way. As he opened the door to his room, the atmosphere changed completely. Hoseok's room wasn't the most spacious, but it looked very cozy, very Hoseok. The walls were covered in pictures and posters of artists Yoongi guessed were his favorite, the shelf next to his desk had some medals from what Yoongi assumed were dancing tournaments. Hoseok had a huge window on one side of the wall that was facing his backyard, the space along the window was covered in plants and different small objects that filled the room with comfort. 

As Yoongi admired Hoseok's room Hoseok was carefully watching his reaction as if to wish for some sort of approval. When he caught Yoongis glance and saw a smile he let out a sigh, everythings fine.

"We can work on my bed, it's seriously so comfortable," Hoseok suggested as Yoongi nodded crouching to sit down, Hoseoks bedside table now in his eyesight. His nightstand seemed to be pretty clean apart from the glass of water and a few books he couldn't see the titles of. What really caught his attention though was a small box-like object. The mixtape. His mixtape. The calmness that he seemed to gain after minutes of anxiousness seemed to have come back as he just couldn't ignore it. It was just there, in hands reach. He suddenly reached his arm out to hold the mixtape box in his hands. It looked untouched, which made him think the boy hadn't listened to it yet. Would he be relieved to know the boy hasn't listened to it? The answer is he would feel more disappointed than relieved. The mixtape was something so spontaneous he didn't even give himself time to think if the boy had a player that would allow him to play cassettes. Before he could have more time to dwell on the subject the cassette was quickly snatched away from his grasp by a blushing boy.

"I-it's personal, I'm sorry I just don't want it to be damaged in any way!" Hoseok let out, anxiousness running through the cords of his throat.

Yoongi remained silent, not really sure how to react to the boy's reaction. What did it mean? Yoongi gave him a questioning look as if to show Hoseok he was waiting for him to elaborate.

"Its just...the person who made it to me is very precious and I don't want it to accidentally get a scratch, I'm sorry," Hoseok added, a small smile on his lips as his mind traveled to the same subject it was running around for the past week.

It was now Yoongi's turn to blush as he heard Hoseok's words. He was precious to Hoseok? Was this even real? Did Hoseok think this mixtape was from someone else? What the fuck was actually happening?

"W-who is it from?" He asked, anticipation evident in his voice.

Hoseok let out a nervous laugh, not really sure how to introduce the boy to his newest dilemma.

"Well, you see... I'm not really sure, but what I'm sure of is that the person is really thoughtful... and has a very good taste in music...I hope to find out who they are and thank them for every emotion this cassette has made me feel," Hoseok said as he played with the corners of his hoodie. "Isn't weird? We just recently talked about mixtapes, you probably think I'm such a sappy person for swooning over this," He laughed, scratching the back of his neck.

"N-no, not at all...I think its quite...sweet," Yoongi replied, fearing his lightly trembling voice was giving him away. Or maybe he feared this conversation was not giving him away at all. Of course Hoseok never even thought of it being from him! What was he thinking? Hoseok called the person thoughtful and precious, no way could he ever see him as any of those things! Yoongi gripped the comforter on the bed tighter. Even if Hoseok thought all of these great things about the mystery person, about Yoongi, he would be so disappointed to find out it was him. His colorfully painted vision soon turned into black and white. 

He was never going to be enough.

-

As the two of them drifted from the subject, they foccused on their assignment, the time quickly passing. It was already around 8 pm when the boys decided to take a break, Hoseok offering him some tea. The two of them sat cross legged in front of each other, Hoseok telling Yoongi about his new school experience which Yoongi gladly listened to, cherishing every story that the boy shared.

As Hoseok told yet another story of his trio of friends goofing out in school, both of their voices got overshadowed by a pair of two others - Hoseok's parents must have come home. However, that seemed to be not a joyful fact to Hoseok as Yoongi saw his expression quickly changing into and an uncomfortable look, which he immediately hid with a fake smile and Yoongi soon understood why. His parents' voices didn't sound like a conversation. They sounded like a heated argument. The two voices intertwined in a huge wave of screams and loud bangs on the furniture, making Yoongi aware of what was happening. He knew Hoseok must've felt uncomfortable, he figured his school friends were probably not aware of what was happening between the cold walls of his house. For a few minutes, the two of them just sat in silence, listening to muffled yells coming from downstairs. Yoongi was not sure of what to say, he knew nothing would make it easier for the boy. He looked up at Hoseok. The boys face now a shade paler, worrying Yoongi. A small tear escaped Hoseok's eyes and before he was able to wipe it away Yoongi's thumb rushed to do it for him, his thumb smoothly gliding over Hoseoks smooth skin. If it were to be any kind of other situation he probably would've felt embarrassed, but this was different. Hoseok looked up at the smaller boy, an expression that mixed with fear and shame gracing his features as his wide eyes stared at Yoongis ones that were filled with sadness. A huge wave of adrenaline rushed through his body as he felt the immense need to fix the situation, to fix whatever the boy in front of him was feeling. Yoongi scooted closer to Hoseok, his body pushing against his, his arms wrapping the other boy into a tight embrace. A sigh left Hoseoks lips as he felt Yoongis nose grazing over his neck, his hair tickling it as he did so. Yoongi squeezed his eyes shut, his mind going don'tbesaddon'tbesadon'tbedsad as he clung to the taller boy, his fingers running up and down his back in hopes to bring him some comfort. After a few minutes, he felt a pair of arms wrapping around him, pulling him closer into the embrace. He could feel his shirt quickly becoming dampened as he felt Hoseoks shoulders lightly shake as he cried. Yoongis arms continued to circle different shapes on Hoseoks back as he silently whispered "It's going to be okay" into the boy's ear, feeling Hoseoks heartbeat slowing down. 

-

Yoongi was riding his way back home. It was already dark outside, the neighborhood already quiet, the only sounds coming from his bike tires brushing against the pavement and the branches of the trees moving in the air. It was a pretty warm evening, the light breeze of the wind calming the boy's unsteady heartbeat. He didn't know how to feel. He hasn't experienced a moment like this in a long time or maybe even never - it was too hard to watch. Of course, he knew that Hoseok's life wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, but he truly hoped that it was, because it's what he deserves. He couldn't get the image of a crying boy in his arms out of his mind. It's like every sigh and cry kept playing in his head over and over again and he didn't know how to stop it. He didn't know how to make it better. He knew he couldn't do anything about the boy's current situation and he was pretty sure that he wasn't the person Hoseok wanted to reveal himself like that to. It seemed like Hoseok didn't really tell anyone about the issues he was having at home and if maybe Hoseok didn't feel completely uncomfortable, he might feel like he can talk to Yoongi about it, because he can, anytime. 

As Yoongi stepped inside of his room he plopped down on his bed, his palms feeling the soft ends of his comforter. He felt sad. He felt hopeless. He felt as if he should do something with all of this new information, that he should shove all the love and support that he had into Hoseok. But he knew he couldn't. He couldn't just start acting as if it was all his business now cause he knew that it wasn't, even if he wanted to. For some time he just laid there, thinking of how to make it better for both Hoseok and him. A sudden wave of realization hit him as he let out a chuckle. He knew just what he had to do. 

[sunday]

It was a cold day of autumn. The trees were still full of leaves, the grass was still green. Yet every object,dead or alive seemed to feel cold. The wind was very harsh and unforgiving, playing with peoples hair, faces that when passed by wind would turn deep red. Hoseok was walking down the narrow street towards his destination. He tucked his jacket tighter around his body, smiling to himself. He liked autumn. However, what the boy did not like were the events of yesterday. He never liked awkward situations. To be more clear, he was never involved in them. He just wasn't the person to cause awkwardness, he was the exact opposite. Hoseok still felt weird. Especially now that his family issues were out in the open all for Yoongi to know about, he didn't know what to feel. He never imagined that something like that would happen. He was so used to keeping his family issues deep down and hidden that he felt naked, exposed. He was not stupid. He knew how his family was and have been for most of his life. It was never pleasant, but he learned how to live with it and ignore it, accept it for what it was. He lived with it for so long that he almost forgot how fucked up it was and now that it was there, facing him, it was like all the years of him ignoring it finally ended. The boy was not able to push it back anymore. And Yoongi was there. He couldn't tell why, but he felt glad that it was Yoongi and not anyone else. Hoseok felt such an amount of comfort he never felt before, not in a long time at least, yet Yoongi is still very close to a stranger. Yoongi didn't say anything after that and Hoseok felt thankful. He let himself let go of everything he held in, his tears staining Yoongis sweater. He hoped he didn't scare the boy away and deep down he knew that he didn't. He knew that he probably should've told his friends about his parents by now, considering how close they have become, yet he didn't. He didn't want to be associated with any kind of negative emotions, he didn't want them feeling bad about his situation at home. He just wanted to be treated normally without any concessions just because of his troubling situation. He just hoped that it didn't traumatize Yoongi. So where was he going? For Hoseok this seemed a bit too rushed, but when Jimin called him after Yoongi left saying it was a matter of life and death all he could do was sigh and listen as the boy excitedly blabbered into the speaker. Apparently, Jimin gave Hoseok's number to none other than Kim Taehyung who might be the stranger behind the mixtapes. Jimin said that he didn't care whether he wanted to go or not because he had to. So there he was walking towards the cafe they all decided to meet at. Jimin told him that he and Jungkook will of course join Hoseok and Taehyung, but what he didn't tell was the fact that he was oh so lying. He knew that Jimin would definitely plan something like that and honestly he wouldn't have gone, but he didn't want to seem like an asshole and stand Taehyung up, it also seemed like a good enough distraction. He finally reached the place, deciding to wait for Taehyung outside.

"Hi stranger!" He heard the phrase being directed at him accompanied with a huge hug that he melted into as soon as he realized the said stranger was Taehyung. Hoseok had eyes. Had every good eyes for that matter, so he was very much aware that Taehyung was attractive. His face was a shade warmer than his own skin, smooth and glowy. His body looked very warm in his sweater and coat. There was a big scarf around his neck that looked way too cute to be called ridiculous. He wore his boxy smile as his eyes vibrated with warm. He looked cute. Very cute indeed. 

"Oh hi! Don't worry I didn't wait long," Hoseok exclaimed, giving him a warm smile back. The two of them didn't waste any more time as they made their way inside, looking for a place to sit down. 

"Did Jimin tell you they can't make it today? It was pretty sudden, so I guess it was something important", Taehyung asked, finding them a two-seat table next to the window. Hoseok took off his jacket, hanging it on the back of his chair. He couldn't help but chuckle to himself. Those fucking cunts.

"Yeah something like that", He replied, looking back up at the boy in front of him. This was weird.  They never hung out together before, not even once and now they're together. Alone. After a few minutes of the slightly awkward silence and one last comforting glance from Taehyung and the two of them started talking. 

He found out that Taehyung was the only child in his family and so his parents had put all of their love and care into him. He talked about music and art as if they were his best friends, mentioning a few of his own failed attempts at creating a piece of art. Taehyung was different. He was a big pile of good that you didn't know existed. But even more than that Taehyung knew how to listen. He listened to Hoseok talking about his life, dancing, his friends, embarrassing stories from back in fifth grade and never seemed uninterested. He always smiled and asked further questions, showing Hoseok that he has been listening to him the whole time. As Hoseok finished telling him a story about his first time playing spin the bottle the two of them laughed, letting the laughter naturally fade into the sea of white noise. Taehyung shuffled in his seat, resting his face on his palm. 

"So you're telling me you're still not interested in anyone? I mean, the school is huge, there has to be someone you like!" Taehyung asked in a teasing manner while squinting his eyes dramatically. Hoseok laughed, looking down at his fingers. How does he go about with this? He took another sip of his almost cold coffee, his eyes wandering around the busy place they were in. This was more difficult than he intended.

"Yeah, something like that", Hoseok let out, realizing how stupid his sentence sound.

"So who's "something like that?", Taehyung asks, his voice linked with curiosity. 

"Well-uh... there is someone in our school that had... I don't know...left me this mixtape and it's really nice... it seems like whoever is doing this might be interested in me".

Hoseok shuffled in his seat, finding it hard to form words, his leg nervously jumping up and down under the table. He could feel his palms becoming more sweaty. There was no way out of this. 

"The songs were so well chosen, but they haven't left their name or anything that would give them away...I can't say that I like them, because I don't even know who they are, for all I know it could be anyone...b-but I can't help but wonder who it is and I just want to find them so I could thank them and... I know it's really stupid, but my friends thought that it might be you? I..." Hoseok's voice slowed down as he said the last few words, looking down at his hands that were placed on the table. He couldn't dare to look Taehyung in the eyes. He was not used to this. This was a stupid idea. 

The silence was unbearable, the minute they sat in silence seemed like three hours of anticipation. He could feel Taehyung sigh, his bright being becoming dimmer. Scenarios were running around in Hoseok's head. Maybe it was the mixtape person and he's now mad because he was exposed? Maybe this was all just a prank on Hoseok's poor heart? 

Another pair of hands on his own got Hoseok out of the haze he was in. His eyes went wide, not quite sure what that meant. It seemed like Taehyung's pale hands, that were now placed over his were shaking slightly for reasons unknown to him. His eyes finally dared to look up at Taehyung. In what seemed like a second Taehyungs expression changed from scared to calm. He let out a sigh, his eyes finally locking with Hoseok's. He gave Hoseok a tight smile, his eyes beaming with the same calmness as before. 

"I-I'm sorry this is so weird I-"

"No, let me speak," Taehyung stopped Hoseok from talking, determination flashing in his eyes. "As much as I would want to be your secret mixtape person, I'm afraid it's not me," Taehyung said, his eyes wandering around the cafe, avoiding the other boy's gaze. "I was actually quite intrigued when Jimin invited me to hang out with you guys and I hoped to get to know you better. You have nothing to be afraid of Hoseok, the mixtape person has definitely chosen the right person to become infatuated with, I guess that's the only thing me and them have in common," A small stressed chuckle came from Taehyung. Hoseok couldn't tell whether it was filled with disappointment or sadness, maybe a mixture of both. "I wish I would've come up with something like that. I can't deny that I have been feeling some type of emotions towards you, but it is nothing to worry about, it will pass and it will fade. It's nothing you should be worried about, I don't want to make your life more difficult than it has to be. After all, unrequired feelings are romantic in a sense. I hope you find out who they are and do not hesitate to go for it, I will be on the lookout for them as well! You are wonderful Hoseok, you have nothing to worry about," Taehyung gave Hoseok's hands a small squeeze, finally looking up at the boy. "I can handle my feelings and I can handle fate. I hope you can handle yours and not give up on someone like that".

Hoseok felt as if his whole being just experienced a great earthquake. He felt bitterly fooled by life. He didn't want this to be the reality, he hated how unfair it was not only to him but to Taehyung as well. He didn't know what was the right thing to say. Was there even a right thing to say? It's not like someone gives out manuals on how to comfort someone after rejection. Especially when it was someone who Hoseok would never in his right mind reject. He wanted to reciprocate Taehyung's feelings, bring out the same friendly smile on his face with words he knew he couldn't get out. He wanted to not feel these ludicrous feelings towards someone he couldn't grasp, someone who in his eyes didn't even have a face or a body. This was all so stupid. He knew how delicate one's feelings can be. This was supposed to go differently, it had to be him. But it wasn't and as atrocious as it sounds, deep down he knew it wasn't him. 

He looked up at Taehyung in what seemed like the first time in the past twenty minutes. This time he was the one who squeezed his pale hands. Taehyung's eyes shot up, clearly full of anticipation and fear. Hoseok felt bad for making the boy wait for so long. 

"I'm so sorry Taehyung. I'm so very sorry... You are an incredible person and you can leave if you feel uncomfortable I swear I will get out of your sight if that's what you want, you can even avoid me if you-"

"It's completely fine Hoseok, don't feel burdened. If we don't make it weird it won't be!  And how do you think I can miss out on all of your extremely cringe-worthy stories? That spin the bottle guy's description seemed incredibly familiar to someone I know, was it Mark?" Taehyung unclasped their hands, taking out his phone and searching up the guy on Instagram, already gushing about the said person. 

And that's how the situation was over. The talk they had completely forgotten by Taehyung. At that moment Hoseok noted, that he has never met a more selfless person than Kim Taehyung and coincidentally Taehyung wished for Hoseok to be happy, even if it's not with him.

-

[monday]

Yoongi figured out that for him to stay in the shadows he had to mix up the days the mixtape would be received. He shoved the brand new mixtape into his backpack, reminding himself to be on the lookout for the chance to slip it into Hoseok's bag. A new week has started and Yoongi was still in the same place, still bored with everything, still sleepy, still not ready to let go of the troubling feelings he had for Hoseok. After the first mixtape, he was so scared that he was almost certain that there would be no second mixtape, but after the events of Saturday, he couldn't just leave, he couldn't move on. He knew that acting upon his feelings was unknown territory, but right now, this was the best he could do. 

He walked down the hallway, finding comfort in this weirdly silent routine that his life was based on. It seemed as if there were so many new emotions and encounters he experienced recently that he needed time to just be. However, he couldn't fulfill his wish entirely. He found himself re-examining Saturday, from time to time a very bad doodle of a boy would appear in his notebook. Sometimes another doodled boy would appear next to the first one, yet it never looked quite as good as him. He wasn't sure where the mixtapes were leading him and quite frankly, he didn't want to know. It feels good while it was happening. 

-

Yoongi finally made it out of his last class for that day. As the bell rang for yet another class he found himself alone in the hallways. The boy let out a big sigh, his fingers coming up to his face, rubbing at his tired eyes. As he walked down the hall towards his locker he heard a faint sound of music coming from somewhere further down the hall. He made his way towards the mysterious place, his earphones clenched in his fist. His feet lead him to the big doors of a room. The dance practice room. For a moment the boy just stood there, listening to now very loud sounds of music mixed with sneakers screeching against the parqueted floor. He could make out a few voices inside the room, one of them belonging to someone he knew - Jeon Jungkook. Yoongi got closer to the door, slightly peeking through the small crack. The boy was exposed to about five guys dancing in sync with one another. He could tell one of them was Jungkook, a bit further to the left he could make out a figure of another one of Jungkook's friends. They were all very good looking, he would be stupid to lie. But if they were there does that mean... His thoughts managed to correspond with the view in front of him and as if on queue, Hoseok came into his sight. Even if Yoongi would've read all the dictionaries in the world, become fluent in every language there is, he still wouldn't be able to describe what was right before his eyes. Hoseok's body was dancing in pure harmony with the music, his body reacting to every single beat. His body moved so freely, so beautifully, that Yoongi decided that no other look suited the boy as much as this. His eyes were closed, sweat dripping down his forehead, a small content smile dancing on his lips. He looked happy. He looked unrestricted, free. It was like his whole being was at a whole another space where nothing could touch him. He looked like someone who didn't belong in this primitive world, where there was no scale that could evaluate his beauty and pureness. A loud bang next to the door woke Yoongi up from his daydreaming. He was leaning against the door. Stalking Hoseok. The sudden realization made the boy jump further away from the door. God, he's weak. For a few seconds, he just stood there, still completely in awe of the other boy. As he turned around to leave, the pocket of his jacket caught onto the handle of another door. The changing room. He reached out to free his jacket from the handle only to feel something falling out of the pocket. The mixtape. The same that he couldn't sneak into Hoseoks bag. An idea got its way into Yoongi's tormented little brain. The changing rooms. Hoseok. Mixtape. 

A huge irritated sigh left Yoongis body. Was he really whipped enough to do this? Yeah, I guess he was. With one gentle touch of the handle, Yoongi was introduced by a very messy changing room. He could feel his whole body slightly shivering with adrenaline and fear of being caught. How bad would this look? It took only a few seconds for Yoongi to track down Hoseok's bag, his worn-out sneakers hurrying towards his goal. Very smoothly, Yoongi's fingers sneaked around the zipper of Hoseok's bag and harshly shoved the mixtape inside. The second the mixtape was in its destined location the boy ran out of the room, the opened door becoming his last worry. 

-

School went by in a blur. He could still feel sadness lingering in his stomach, but he brushed it off, managing to convince the other boys he just didn't get enough rest the day before. They were in their usual place at the cafeteria, having the usual conversations about how their classes went while munching on their food. 

"So it wasn't him?" Jimin asked, his tone laced with disappointment. 

Jimin was almost one hundred percent sure that the mixtape person was Taehyung and this so-called "investigation" was just a piece of cake but turns out it wasn't and you know how Jimin is, if he's wrong he's gonna turn the whole world upside down in order to find out who it was. 

"Yeah sadly it wasn't, he's a very great guy though...just not what I'm looking for," Hoseok let out. He decided not to tell the guys about Taehyungs confession, purely out of respect for the other boy. He still felt very bad because of how things turned out. 

"Thanks for standing me up though, you are truly great friends!" Hoseok added sarcastically, shooting daggers at the other two which only earned a laugh from Jimin and a "sorry dude" from Jungkook. 

For the rest of the lunch break, Hoseok felt himself fade in with the noise, not really participating in their conversations. His eyes roamed around the big space of the cafeteria. Did he ever even once saw the mixtape person? Did they ever cross paths? Are they in the cafeteria right now? As his eyes traveled around different figures and faces, his eyes stopped to look at someone. That someone being Taehyung. Taehyung looked like, well Taehyung. He was being his usual self, laughing and expressively talking to his friends, sometimes reaching out to one of them to pat their shoulder or to friendly shove them to a side. He looked happy. Without any warning, Taehyungs head turned to the side, their eyes meeting. For a second Hoseok felt like a deer caught in headlights, as if he was looking somewhere he wasn't supposed to be looking, but Taehyung just gave him a friendly smile accompanied with a small nod as if to say hi. Hoseok gave him a small nod in return, a small wave of sadness washing over him. He wished he could've done something. He was grateful for Taehyung.

-

The dance practice passed quicker than any other class, maybe because it was the only class he truly enjoyed. The boys made their way into the changing room, the now cramped place reeking of sweat. Today's practice was quite rough, making them lifeless and silent. No one had the energy to speak. As Hoseok was changing he reached out to grab his bag, trying to find the deodorant that he needed.  

"Did someone take my deodorant? I'm gonna choke on my own smell if I don't find it," Hoseok exclaimed, earning a few chuckles from the boys that were accompanied with silent "no's". Hoseok let out an annoyed grunt, digging his hand into his backpack, trying to find the desired item. As he kept abusing his backpack his hand came in contact with something that felt close to a small box, confusing the boy. I swear to god if Jungkook sneaked another empty box of candy into my backpack I'm gonna seriously murder him the boy thought, an annoyed expression already forming on his face. He took out the mystery object, already preparing himself to scream his lungs out at the other boy when he gasped. It was not an empty box. Nothing like that at all. He was face to face with yet another mixtape, something he didn't expect to see ever again. He could feel his heart picking up a faster pace as he tried to slow down his breathing, his palms gently shaking as he gaped at the brand new mixtape. A wave of happiness washed over him as he hurriedly shoved it back into his backpack (trying to be as gentle as possible of course). 

"Did you find it yet? I need some too," Jimin asked, looking at the boy who still hadn't changed from his dancing clothes.

"Uhh no, I must've forgotten it at home or something," The boy let out, quickening his pace. This was definitely better than a deodorant.

-

After practice, they all decided to call it quits for the day, they were all so worn out that no one had the energy to do something else that wasn't sleeping. To be completely honest, Hoseok didn't want to part with his friends just yet. He didn't want to go home. He wanted to stay in the comforting presence of his friends just for a few more minutes. After the events of Saturday, his home seemed just a little less homely than it used to be. But he didn't tell that to his friends. He knew how tired the boys were and for him, it seemed too selfish to ask for such a thing. As they parted ways Hoseok tucked the earbuds in his ears, deciding to walk home rather than take the bus. He walked down the streets that were now lit by dim street lights, that made it hard to see the stars in the night sky. The streets were empty, except for the few people that were rushing home or walking their dogs. His steps were slow and he tried counting them, make them last longer, his tired eyes finally adjusting to the darkness. 

As he finally opened the door of his home he sighed, feeling cold. He dragged his feet up the stairs, the exhaustion sinking into his bones. He finally fell onto his bed, tossing the backpack to the side. His backpack hit the floor with a thud that was followed by a number of items hitting the ground as well. He forgot to properly zip his backpack and now the contents of it were sprawled all over the ground. Hoseok let out a groan, making himself get up and stuff everything back. As his hands grabbed his things an abrupt memory popped into his head. 

The mixtape. 

The boy dropped everything that he had in his hands, finding the anticipated item. He took his time observing the cover. He learned that whoever was giving these to him took their time to customize each cover themselves and he would be lying if he said it wasn't making his heart melt just a little. It had a flower that was shielded by an umbrella. Hoseok chuckled at the child-like doodle, finding it adorable how much effort one person put into the mixtape. As he opened the mixtape he was surprised by a small piece of paper on top of the cassette. He could feel his heart beating out of his chest as he read the words that were printed out on the paper. 

I hope you are doing okay 

I know it gets tough at times, but don't give up

it will get better!

P.S. I'm sorry I'm not as good with words as I am with music. 

Hoseok gasped. It was like his brain was lacking for air, his whole body trembling with the strange feeling of excitement. He looked over the tracklist, putting the cassette into the player.

  °。°。°。°。°。°。°。゜。°。°。°。 

1.  How was your day?

2.  You might be sleeping

3.  Thinking of you

 

4.  Good feeling

5.  Hug me

  °。°。°。°。°。°。°。゜。°。°。°。 

Hoseok opened the window of his room, a light breeze of cold air hitting his body. He sat down on his windowsill, letting himself be enveloped into the soothing sounds of music. He looked up at the dark sky, trying to look for some stars. A slight breeze of wind passed him making goosebumps cover his arms. He wondered about what they were doing. Were they thinking about him too? How are they doing? Are they sad? He still couldn't quite believe this was happening to him, he couldn't grasp the reality and he sure as hell didn't want to. His mind went silent for a moment making him catch the lyrics of the song.

 

and I know that it's bad 

to be grieving the end of something that never happened

     I'm the one who'll loose   

 

thinking of you

thinking of you

thinking of you

He made it his personal goal to find them and make sure that they knew just how important they were to him. That night Hoseok slept calmly, the mixtape still silently playing in the background.

-

[Tuesday]

Hoseok:

\- wyd wednesday

Such a small, from the first glance irrelevant message, was the cause of Yoongi not being able to swallow any kind of food or liquid for the past hour. This so-called text reached Yoongi's phone a few hours after school while he was lazing out in bed. For some time the message notification rested on his lock screen, but then Yoongi couldn't even unlock his phone without seeing it and cringing at the fact that he still hasn't replied and so with one fast swipe the message disappeared from his sight. But it sure as hell didn't disappear from his head. As much as he wanted to get over his flustered state and just reply as a normal person would, he was nowhere near that. To him, messaging Hoseok back was like entering a neverending minefield of mistakes, where every single word mattered and the possibility of sending a misinterpreted text was more than likely considering his flustered state.  The guilt kept clinging onto him, the time was passing by and the risk of Hoseok thinking that he was just simply ignoring him has become a fact. Yoongi let out another frustrated grunt, finally deciding to open up the chat. Was this leading to something close to a preposition? Did he want to talk about what happened earlier? Was this going to be something like a, dare-he-say, a date? Yoongi took a few minutes to collect himself, his fingertips already working on a text.

Yoongi:

\- not much, going home after school

As he hit send, his whole body washed over in fear. What is happening? He quickly closed the chat, trying to calm down and continue to go back to what he was doing.

-

If Yoongi thought that replying to the message was the most difficult part, he was wrong. 

So very wrong. 

Waiting for a text back was even worse! How do people do this? Was the main thought spiraling in Yoongi's brain. How do people manage to suffer through all those conversations without overthinking everything to the bone? This was pure torture. Yoongi let out a cynical laugh. Of course, he deserved it. What was he thinking of ignoring his text for so long? Yoongi shuffled in his sheets, it was already past 10 pm. He knew that Hoseok was a busy person and that his incredibly inviting personality would never make someone wait for a text that long, but he also couldn't get the thought that Hoseok was doing this on purpose. Of course, for Hoseok to do that he would have to actually care about Yoongi and the boy didn't want to believe something that was way too good to be true. 

Every now and then he would get struck by the notification sound, most of them being notifications from games. He would delete them and get back to mindlessly scrolling through Tumblr while watching something pointless on youtube. 

-

It was at 11:35 pm that Yoongi finally got a reply. The second he saw the contact name flashing at the top of his screen he instinctively threw his phone on the bed, his heart racing. If Yoongi saw this scenario play out with someone else before his eyes he was sure he would cringe. This so-called schoolgirl-ish behavior was just unacceptable in Yoongi's eyes and if Yoongi wasn't such a mess right now, he would definitely scold himself. With the last few breaths, Yoongi pulled his phone up to his vision, opening the chat.

Hoseok:

\- I thought we could work on the project for a bit? 

\- idk if we can go to my place though

The next expression that covered his face was both relief and disappointment. He was glad that it was just something as simple as this, something that didn't require thought or wasn't negative in any way, but he also felt upset because it was just that. He told himself that it wasn't going to be anything else and as rational as the thought was, some tiny part of him still hoped that it wasn't. He hated that some parts of his brain were out of his control, were selfish and naive to think that he actually had a chance to be viewed as someone that was more than a friend. When Yoongi noticed the second text he knew exactly what Hoseok was talking about. He knew that the situation has scared him in one way or another and neither one of them wanted to experience it again. He saw the three dots appear on his screen. Before Hoseok could reply with a follow-up excuse as to why they couldn't come to his, he replied.

Yoongi:

\- oh yeah, okay

\- and we can come and study at mine if you want?

Even though that was quite a good offer, Yoongi knew he was digging himself a grave. Out of all the places like coffee shops, libraries and studying lounges he chose his place. His place that he was going to clean and tidy and wipe out any weird item that he had before someone's eyes linger on something they're not supposed to and the next thing he knows they're not talking to him anymore. An anticipated sound of the notification echoed in his ears as he opened a new message from Hoseok.

Hoseok:

\- that would be great!

\- see you tomorrow after school?

Yoongi:

\- see you!

Well, he's fucked.

[wednesday]

Voices of multiple people mixed with his own thoughts as he walked. His head was down, looking at his feet getting further step by step, his shoelaces slightly moving in the air as his feet moved further. It almost seemed like his feet were not listening to him, as if they wouldn't stop moving until it was time. He himself didn't want to move at all. He found it hard to get out of bed today. As if a big grey cloud started following him ever since he woke up. He wasn't upset over something particular, something he could grasp and that made him even more upset, he felt like he was being so selfish feeling sad for no reason, but he couldn't help it, he just wanted to be back home or anywhere else where people don't know his name. 

To put it shortly, Hoseok was having a bad day. 

In the morning he listened to the mixtape again a few times, realizing it was one of the only things that actually calmed him down, but he couldn't bring it to school. He tried to make the songs stay in his head for as long as he could but as the day went on the melody in his head started to fade and he found himself feeling even worse than before. There was no doubt that Hoseok was a touchy person and always used skinship as a way to comfort other people but when it was regarding him he didn't know how to ask. People just figured that if he needed it he'd be there to ask. He wanted to feel something else that would make him get out of the daze. He thought about canceling meeting up with Yoongi but oddly enough that was the only thing that he actually felt a little bit excited about. Yoongi had a nice atmosphere around him at all times and Hoseok wanted to be a part of it. 

-

You know how certain animals can sense fear? Yoongi felt like every single person that passed him was that animal, feeling him completely shitting his pants at the moment. He was standing by the entrance of the school waiting for Hoseok. He felt as if everything in his head was exploding. And what if Hoseok will be able to sense that he's afraid and will get uncomfortable? He certainly didn't need that. He turned up the volume on his phone, playing the music even louder, trying to block his surroundings. He tried to remember if he hid and cleaned everything correctly and if there was something he had missed when he felt someone poking his shoulder. 

"Sorry, I'm late, the number of people trying to get out of this place is overwhelming", Hoseok said, giving Yoongi a small smile. Yoongi nodded, his mouth forming into a small 'o' shape as he took in the view in front of him. He knew he shouldn't be surprised at this point, but today was different. Hoseok's hair was messy and seemed like he hadn't touched it since he woke up, he wore glasses which he knew the boy did, he was just used to seeing him in contacts. He wore an oversized jumper that was hugging his body just well, his shoulder blades lightly poking out. He seemed sleepy and unbothered, he seemed like he just got out of the bed and it created the most cheesy scenarios in Yoongi's brain because wow, being cuddled by someone like that must be heavenly. 

"It's okay, I wasn't waiting for that long anyway", Yoongi said, his voice quiet. He gave Hoseok a small smile back and when he saw Hoseok giving him yet another one back he felt a slight blush creep on his cheeks. 

"Let's catch a bus".

-

They walked to the bus stop for some time, a comfortable silence settling down between the two of them. It surprised Yoongi how little time it took for them to reach the state of comforting silence. And he appreciated it. He wasn't the person who talked a lot and he was glad that Hoseok didn't find it unsettling. Yoongi loved weather like this. It was cloudy, but the wind was warm creating a gloomy vibe that put Yoongi in the best mood. 

"I really like this type of weather", Yoongi said, almost to himself as they stopped at the bus stop.

"Really? Doesn't it make you want to feel kind of sad?" Hoseok replied, looking at the sky as if he was examining it, trying to find something. Yoongi followed the boy as he grazed the sky with his eyes.

"I'd say it makes me feel more wistful, but in a good way. It brings me comfort cause I don't have to feel sad or happy, I can just feel like I am, it's the perfect balance between the two", Yoongi said as he smiled to himself when he felt a light breeze brush his cheeks. "And the music always sounds better in this type of weather".

When Yoongi turned his head to look at Hoseok he found him already looking. Hoseok was looking at him softly almost like if he looked at him harsher Yoongi would shy away. A content smile got its way on Hoseoks lips. "I guess I never thought about it that way".

-

They got in the bus, Hoseok making Yoongi take the window seat even though Yoongi protested since  "Hoseok was a guest so he should take the seat", but Hoseok did not let him win saying something about how Yoongi needs the better seat to appreciate his favorite type of weather to which Yoongi just turned away and took the damn seat, flustered.

The drive was about twenty minutes and Yoongi thought about things to talk about while they were driving but quickly came up with a better idea. He took one of the earbuds out of his ear, reaching it out to Hoseok. 

"Oh no you don't have to-" Hoseok was about to protest, knowing that sharing earbuds with a person is not always the most pleasant feeling and that maybe Yoongi was just doing that because he felt bad for the boy.

"No please, take it. I told you music always sounds better in this type of weather I might as well prove it", Yoongi said, trying not to stumble on his words. "I-If you want to that is".

Hoseok smiled, taking the earbud out of his hand. "I do want to".

Hoseok moved closer to Yoongi so that the cord wouldn't be as tense, granting him a bit closer view to the window and the boy next to him. Yoongi could feel Hoseok's presence next to him, he knew that if he just moved an inch closer he would be face to face with the boy and that thought alone made Yoongi paralyzed in his seat. This is normal. You're just going to listen to music while on the bus you do this every day Yoongi! Yoongi tried comforting himself with words of encouragement and make his flustered state go away. The bus finally started moving and Yoongi could feel tranquility take over his body as the soothing sounds of music washed over his body. He stopped thinking about his embarrassing room, about how flustered he was, about things in general. He was greeted with trees passing by his window again, the view he was pretty sure he will never get bored of. He enjoyed this. It was like Hoseok's presence was a bonus to this already fulfilling experience and he knew that when he drives to school tomorrow it won't be the same and by suggesting this to Hoseok he ruined it for himself, but he was glad that he did, so he tried to enjoy it while it lasted. 

And then the flustered state was back. 

He felt something soft and slightly heavy on his shoulder. Something foreign and something that definitely wasn't him. Yoongi let out a shaky breath as he turned his head to look, finding a sleeping Hoseok resting his head on Yoongi's shoulder, earbud still in his ear. For a few minutes, Yoongi just watched the boy. He looked tired. The area under his eyes that was hiding behind his glasses now seemed heavy and darker than usual, small puffs of air leaving his body and laying on Yoongi's sweater. Hoseok was breathtaking. He silenced the music just a bit, avoiding waking up the boy. He seemed like he needed the nap. Yoongi noticed that Hoseok's glasses were now close to falling off the boy's face, pressing into his skin. Yoongi reached out, his fingers edging closer to the sleeping boys' face. Very gently and slowly he took the glasses off of Hoseok's face, folding them and keeping them in the palm of his hand. He looked at Hoseok again. His brown hair was spread out on his forehead, his lips slightly apart. He hesitated if he should, but then he thought about the heartbreaking fact that he might not ever experience this again and brushed Hoseok's hair out of his face, taking one last glance at the boy as he continued looking out the window.

-

Slight tapping on his shoulder woke Hoseok up, his eyes failing to focus on his surroundings. It took a few good seconds for the boy to understand where he was and when he did - oh boy was he embarrassed. His sleep-deprived body rose up from a very comfortable surface that apparently was Yoongi's shoulder and he couldn't believe himself. He managed to creep out the boy not only once, but twice now. The bus was now at their stop, making Hoseok get up from his seat and walk towards the exit, Yoongi following him close behind. A wave of fresh air hit Hoseok's face, his sleepy state still roaming in his body. 

"I'm sorry I fell asleep on you, I hope your shoulder doesn't hurt, I honestly didn't mean to", Hoseok said to the other boy, his eyes apologetically darting at the boy. 

Yoongi looked down, bright red color rising up to his cheeks. He couldn't say that he actually really enjoyed it and wished it happened more than once so he just nodded again, his head finally tilting to give Hoseok a reassuring smile.

"Don't worry about it, I'm glad you had some rest", He said, trying not to seem creepy about the whole thing. "Oh by the way", Yoongi stopped them from walking as he remembered, rummaging through his pockets. He took out the boys glasses, making sure to clean them out with his sleeves. "I hope I didn't scratch them in my pocket", he said as he finally handed them to the boy. He felt Hoseoks eyes watching him, probably still trying to figure out how his glasses ended up in Yoongi's hands. "I-I'm sorry I took them off they were just falling off your face and I wanted to you to be comfortable-"

"It's okay. Thanks, Yoongi, I did sleep well after all", Hoseok replied, sending a small wink in Yoongi's direction. What was that? How can he just do that? Yoongi was absolutely sure there is no way to escape Hoseoks chivalry and he didn't want to, he just knew that if he doesn't he will end up miserable. Hoseok's hands went in to take the glasses from the boy, their fingertips touching slightly. Hoseok's hands were warm. 

-

A few hours passed since the boys were working on their project for music class. It wasn't as complicated as both of them thought, realizing that they won't need to meet up as much for it since it's almost done. And Yoongi kind of wished that it was more difficult. He could feel his time with Hoseok melting away, slipping through his fingertips, inching closer and closer towards the both of them and he was scared. Scared that the only thing that will tie Yoongi and Hoseok will be the mixtapes that even Hoseok himself won't know Yoongi made. He didn't know how Hoseok felt about the last mixtape. And the note. He could only wish it made him feel something positive.

-

A sharp sound of a laptop closing echoed against Yoongis walls, a huge relieved sigh coming from Hoseok. The boy couldn't be happier to finish today's piece of work. As much as he loved music, schoolwork was never fun to do. The whole time the boys worked the conversations were pretty narrow, mainly focussing on work or small suggestions or alterations one of them could make. The boys worked well together. Unfortunately, what Yoongi didn't know about Hoseok was that his favorite activity when going to someone's place was to examine everything about the room and since it was Yoongi, Hoseok was definitely not missing this chance. The whole time the two of them were lying down on Yoongis soft carpet that covered most of the floor, their notes spread out everywhere. Hoseok stretched his now tired muscles, lifting himself up from the ground. His eyes didn't even know where to start. Yoongi's room was clean, but not empty, small things lying here and there making it look more welcoming. Yoongi had a lot of plants and music equipment which sparked something close to admiration in Hoseok's eyes. He tried to imagine Yoongi alone in his room listening to music, watering his plants or anything at all - he was sure that Yoongi belongs here. 

"W-what are you doing?" Yoongi asked, trying not to sound like he's extremely scared of Hoseok thoughtfully inspecting his room, his fingers playing with the short strings of the carpet. 

"I'm just looking around, unless", Hoseok's finger grazes the side of a shelf as he turns his head to look at the boy on the carpet, "You have something to hide?" Hoseok chuckled in an almost teasing manner, enjoying the way the other boy blushed under his gaze.

"Course I don't", Yoongi reassured Hoseok, well, mostly himself. Yoongi quickly got up from the ground and scooted closer to Hoseok just in case he saw something Yoongi failed to hide and then would be able to snatch it out of Hoseok's sight before he gets to take a second look. Yoongi silently watched Hoseok as he closely examined Yoongis things, sometimes reacting with a small smile or a gasp, commenting on each item, sometimes teasing Yoongi. Yoongi was pretty sure that if anyone else were to do that they would be called noisy or just plain rude, but he just couldn't take away all the excitement it brought to the other boy and so it was not rude, Not at all.

"Oh that's a cute color, why don't you put in on sometimes?" Hoseok asked the shorter boy as he took a small tube of nail polish in his hand, examining the bright blue color. Yoongi could feel his body going numb, how could he be so stupid. Did he forget to put away that? He knew that Hoseok was not a person to judge but he also didn't want Hoseok's personal opinion about him to be of bad quality. For a few seconds, Yoongis eyes found interest in the carpet under his feet, his palms now hiding in the sleeves of his sweater. 

"I don't even remember where it came from", Yoongi blatantly lied. And he knew that Hoesok caught onto this lie. "But it is a cute color", Yoongi added, now averting his eyes to the nail polish being fondled in Hoseoks palm. He didn't dare to look Hoseok in the eye and he was wrong to do so because Hoseok was looking at him with the fondest smile. A light feeling of two soft fingertips being rested on Yoongis chin woke him up from his daze as they lifted his face up to meet Hoseok's. Yoongis eyes were wide and big, staring at Hoseok as if he held all the answers in the world as if his opinion was the only one that mattered. Hoseok gave him a calm smile, trying to calm the other boy. 

"Well," Hoseok inched just slightly closer to Yoongi, but he could feel it. He could smell Hoseok's jumper that smelled like fresh laundry and Hoseok, he could feel both of their presences clashing together as if at that second both of their personal bubbles popped and now they were squeezed into the bubble of their own that was approximately 7 inches too small in length. "Even if someone else had put it there, I'm glad they did," Hoseok breathed out, his breath hitting Yoongis cheeks like the warm summerish wind. They were so close to one another it felt like the both of them were gasping for air, like the tension was an open fire, stealing oxygen from the both of them. 

"It would look very good on you, Yoongi," Hoseok said in a quiet tone, almost as if he wanted this to be heard by the two of them and nobody else in the world, as if he was playing along, using Yoongi's white lie against him. Yoongi gasped, warmth radiating from the place of Hoseok's gentle grip, his cheeks flushed red, eyes almost too shy to keep looking, yet not wanting to look away. Yoongi tried chasing his own thoughts that seemed to be sprinting away from him, looking for any trace of logic. This wasn't logical and it didn't make sense. He was in this situation with Hoseok. The boy who he had unrequited feelings for, the boy who most likely was just caught in the moment of his own teenage hormones, the boy who just complimented him in the cheesiest way possible, the boy who's lips were just inches away from Yoongi, screaming for attention. And so he stopped looking for logic, his judgment clouded and completely out of focus.

"Hey honey, I didn't know you had friends over!" A chirpy voice belonging to Yoongis mother exclaimed, completely ruining the moment (which made Yoongi think he will never forgive his mother for such cockblockery). He could feel Hoseoks palm shuffling under his chin and resting it on the shelf, the baby blue nail polish still in the palm of his hand, his cheeks looking a bit hot as well. 

"H-have you ever heard of knocking?" Yoongi asked, not trusting his voice. How he was still able to form sentences honestly amazed him. 

He heard a light chuckle coming from his mom, who seemed to be aware of the situation in front of her, making Yoongi even more annoyed. She must've seen unfamiliar shoes next to his and ran straight to Yoongi's room, hoping to see her son having at least some social encounter. 

"Unfortunately, I never heard of it before? Is it French?" His mom asked, laughing at her own joke to which Yoongi just rolled his eyes, scoffing, his flustered state quickly changing into an annoyed one. 

"Can't you just go? We are finishing up anyways," Yoongi whined out, trying to avoid getting even more embarrassed in front of Hoseok. 

"Okay I will stop torturing you now, it was nice to meet you-"

"It's Hoseok!" The boy quickly added, sending Yoongi's mother a kind smile across the room. How does he manage every situation so well and so quickly? Did the last five minutes even happen?

"Yes - Hoseok! I look forward to seeing you again, come by anytime!" She said with the last smile and shut the door behind her, the sound of her feet walking down the stairs, echoing in Yoongi's ears as he was trying to grasp any other sound that wouldn't leave him alone in silence with Hoseok. He looked around his room, it was annoyingly still. 

"Your mom is nice," Hoseok says, going to his things, "But I should probably be going, my parents are waiting for me to have dinner," He said as he kept throwing his things into his backpack, politely avoiding eye contact. Yoongi just nodded, watching him from his place, not really sure of what to say or do. Their personal bubbles have been sealed shut again and for the first time in a while, his own personal bubble didn't seem as appealing.

-

It was already dark and Hoseok wasn't completely sure where he was which lead to Yoongi having to walk him to the bus stop (as if things weren't already awkward). They walked down the street, the same kind of warm wind still playing in the air as they walked. Yoongi thought about if he was ever going to forget about the feeling of Hoseok's breath laying on his skin like this kind of wind, will his head ever stop these associations, will this feeling ever be replaced by another person? Or did Hoseok stole that memory from him already, making it his own?

For some time they walked next to each other in silence. Hoseok was examining his surroundings which were all new for him, squinting in order to see better in the dim light of street lights and Yoongi was thinking. How strange is that two people can experience the same thing, share a moment of complete isolation from the world and yet feel completely different? How does that one moment tie them and separate them at the same time? He knew that he was going to think about what happened in his room today for at least a small eternity in which everything that was baby blue screamed Hoseok and every warm wind breeze smelled like Hoseok and even this kind of weather that Yoongi adored for so many reasons now seemed to have only one. This one insignificant yet important incident will change the way he gets up out of bed in the morning or goes to school, it will color his life in a shade of baby blue. And he would be happy about it, except this feeling includes an excessive need to know the other person's side, know how they feel. And for Hoseok - it might not have changed. Maybe for Hoseok, the world was still gleaming in its colors, still completely the same. For some reason thinking about it hurt Yoongi, he didn't want to think it was meaningless because then, this whole huge chunk of his life would become meaningless too. Baby blue was both a sad and a happy color after all. And so was this feeling.

Yoongi cleared his throat, his eyes finally looking up from his feet. He wondered and was still worried about Hoseok, He thought that maybe giving him the mixtape would make the worry go away since he already did something for the boy, but it didn't, making Yoongi anxious to ask. 

"Hey, Hoseok?" 

"Yes?" Hoseok's voice sounded sleepy and slightly lazy, it's like how your voice sounds when you don't speak for a long time and your vocal cords are pressured to work again. Yoongi took a deep breath, making up his mind about asking.

"Are you okay? I mean like, at home? I don't mean to remind you of what happened back then and to intrude, I-I just have been thinking about it and I just want to ask cause well, yeah I'm worried," Yoongi rambled off, his voice full of uncertainty, fear of scaring the other boy off or making him uncomfortable. 

He looked up at Hoseok. His eyes were fixed on the road ahead of them as if he was trying to see what was there miles away, what was the intention behind Yoongi's question, what was his motive? He exhaled, his footsteps slowing down. 

"I'm not okay, not yet," Hoseok finally spoke out, streetlights reflecting in his eyes and then suddenly becoming dark again as they would walk through the darker area of the street where the lights wouldn't hit them. "But I think it's something you have to work on at least for some time, you know? It's like this whole chunk of my life is a puzzle that's missing pieces or explanations, as if no one ever gave me the manual on how to solve it," He said more to himself than to Yoongi. "But isn't life full of puzzles just like that? Puzzles that are beyond our own knowledge or strength? And I know that if I miss this one - I won't solve others," He said, finally taking another deep breath, his voice laced with something Yoongi couldn't name. "So I'm working on it, for myself and for the other puzzles that come," Hoseok was now looking up at the blank sky as if to ask someone higher up what to do or was this the right way to look at it.

Yoongi listened and wondered if this is how life works, is this is what this thing with Hoseok is - a puzzle? And if it is, how complicated is it actually? Is there a way he could find the missing puzzle pieces for Hoseok and make it all work? He looked at Hoseok, waiting for the boy to look back at him before asking.

"You know you don't have to do it alone, right? I know I'm not the best at talking about these things, but your friends seem good for you, they might help," Yoongi asked, for the first time not fearing to look at Hoseok's eyes.

"I sometimes feel like I have to do it alone, cause it feels like I'm burdening others, you know?" Hoseok asked, looking at the boy again as if to see his glance of approval, to which Yoongi nodded, understanding. "So far the only person that I feel comfortable talking about this with is you," Hoseok looked down, trying to think of an explanation. "You just seem like you live in a completely different world, an alternate universe of our lives where I'm better, way better than I am now and you're you," A short silence settled between them as Yoongi tried to swallow every word he just heard, his heart beating faster than ever. Their hands brushed as they walked, remembering him of how Hoseok's hands were warm. He felt like he was in a daze like now he was actually there, this other reality Hoseok has described, where no one else exists, where it's just them two in their own personal bubble, out of reach for anyone else. Yoongi looked up at Hoseok, his cheeks flushed. 

"I feel like that too".

Hoseok smiled, the smile Yoongi found himself already missing. They didn't exchange more words, it felt like whatever else they would say would ruin the atmosphere, ruin their previous conversation. Yoongi walked forward, his head looking down to hide a small smile forming on his lips. He looked at their hands next to each other. They would meet at one point for a breath second and then pass each other again, meet each other - pass each other. It was almost hypnotic to look at, he didn't need to look up at the boy to know he was there, next to him. As he kept watching both of their hands he noticed how Hoseok's fingers slightly curved and his hand would stop swaying and then it would start swaying again. He felt Hoseok's finger touch the inside of his palm, then accidentally hit his knuckles. With each sway of Yoongi's hand, Hoseok's fingers would reach even more space, making Yoongi nervous. He was so nervous that he could've pulled away, but he didn't want to. He wanted to stay, he wanted more, the feeling of Hoseok's skin on his becoming almost like an addictive sensation. And it happened. He felt Hoseok's palm overlapping with his, swallowing Yoongis small fingers in his and slightly spreading them apart to intertwine their fingers. They were holding hands. Yoongi gasped. Yoongi couldn't tell for how long he has been holding his breath in, how long was he getting accustomed to this. He felt Hoseok's fingers caressing his knuckles, sometimes squeezing his hand a bit as if to keep the blood in his body flowing. He liked it. He liked it a lot. He didn't want to think about what it all meant or what was going to happen later, he just wanted this. He wanted to keep living here, in this moment, for as long as he could. He felt a pair of eyes looking at him. Hoseok. He looked at Hoseok only to find a pair of worried eyes looking down at the mess of a boy. He realized he hasn't reacted to Hoseok's move. Hoseok spoke up for the first time in a while, breaking the silence. 

"Is... Is this okay?" He asked, his voice more quiet and careful. Yoongi couldn't look away and he most definitely could not lie. 

"Yes it's more than okay," He said, earning a flushed smile from the boy that was now holding his hand. "What's not okay though..." Yoongi started, noticing how Hoseok's eyes inflated even more with each second. 

"Am I squeezing too hard? Is it too sweaty I-" As Hoseok was ready to pull his hand out of Yoongis the smaller boy yanked it away from him, squeezing Hoseok's hand himself. 

"We missed the bus stop". 

[thursday]

School is unimportant. School is not at all important when a boy whom you have liked for what seemed like an eternity holds your hand. That's why when Yoongi finally lead the boy to the bus stop (note the word "lead" cause they were still holding hands till the last second and Yoongi thinks that it is extremely important. Continue.) and finally came home after an hour he decided to use his 'get out of school' card and skip Thursday to lie in bed and reencounter last night as a way of coping with a sudden lack of skinship that made his already cold right hand even colder. As he woke up in the morning he soaked in the smell of fresh air coming from his opened window, that nice, still untouched essence of a brand new day. He looked at his surroundings, noticing a nail polish now resting on his table. What was it doing there? Wasn't it supposed to be on the shelf- oh. Oh. And that's how one small object sitting on his table shifted his mood for the rest of the day. He didn't want to move it. It was as if it was the only real proof of something happening yesterday, the only thing that let his mind to think that it wasn't something he had made up out of pure desperation. As the final sound of his mother shutting the door echoed through his home, signaling the absence of his parents Yoongi took a deep breath, enjoying the solitude. He didn't want to make it a romantic act in his head because it was out of nowhere, sudden and unlogical. Before this, he had no right to even think that Hoseok might be feeling a certain way towards him, but now he was just confused. And he felt like he had the right to be confused, to question this. As much as he tried not to, he could feel the hope of it being something real spreading and he just knew he was digging himself a grave. He imagined Hoseok holding his hand in music class, his face the same shade of red as it was the night before. He could imagine Hoseok walking him to his bus stop after school and kissing his cheek goodbye. Things like that, that were imaginary yet still realistically possible were the worst for his heart. He never experienced them, yet he pictured it all so clearly like if he just closed his eyes he could smell Hoseoks shampoo or feel his warm hand in his, caressing his knuckles ever so gently. He knew he won't ask just because he can't risk being rejected, he doubted that he would take it well. 

Steaming coffee was placed in front of him, at least it could promise the boy some energy. He couldn't promise anything. He couldn't promise he would let it go or that he would go for it. Was there something in between? And then as if comically on queue, his answer showed up in front of him. 

I guess it will have to do.

[friday]

Hoseok sat at lunch, listening to the daily rambles of his friends that he seemed to drown in. He seemed to be drowning in everything since yesterday. What was he feeling? He knew that the easiest way out would be to just say it was an in-the-moment thing, but he knew it wasn't. He wanted to hold his hand. He wanted to know how it feels. He blamed himself for being so weak-willed since he found it so irresistible and now that he had tried it he proved it to himself yet again. It seemed like him and Yoongi were always falling into the abyss of trouble or a series of uncomfortable encounters, but maybe it was like that to Hoseok only because he felt extremely cautious towards the other boy? He wondered about telling Yoongi that he's sorry for it and it was 'no big deal' but the second he thought about completing his plan he would remember the way Yoongi would shyly look down and blush and then look up at him with actual stars in his eyes and he would come to the conclusion that yes, he does not feel sorry about it whatsoever. 

"Anything new in the mystery lover department? Maybe a new mixtape?" He heard Jimin turning his attention to him, both Jungkook and Jimin now looking at him nudging his food.

"Nope, not really, haven't gotten anything new yet", He said, his intonation hinting that he didn't want to be further bothered with the conversation and his friends understood, they were never the ones to push. 

When Jimin addressed the mixtapes Hoseok was surprised he had forgotten. He swore it was just on his mind yesterday and suddenly it wasn't and Hoseok was mad at himself for forgetting about it. He thought that no matter what happened nothing would beat the mystery behind the mixtapes, but one person did. And he figured it was okay. Maybe the mystery person wasn't what he needed right now. 

-

His back was harshly facing the lockers, his whole body glued to the cold surface. His fingers were roughly gripping his backpack by one of the straps as he stared at the door in front of him. It was time for music class and he felt like falling right then and there and never coming there again, but with the number of classes he had skipped recently, he knew he just couldn't let that happen. The ugly sound of the bell echoed through the hall and he just kept standing there. His mind was going in the rhythm of dontthinkjustdoitdontbestupid but his body was adamant on staying where it was, where it was safe. He looked at his phone to see that he already missed five minutes of his class and with one huge sigh following he took a step forward, his hand reaching for the door handle. As he walked into the classroom it got silenced for a few seconds, people just blatantly staring at him. This was a bad idea. His eyes wandered around the class like a lost puppy, his heart was beating way faster than it should. And then it stopped. He saw Hoseok who lifted his head from his phone and was now fully staring. And suddenly Yoongi didn't feel scared. He was invited into their own personal bubble again and he felt like no one else had the ability to touch him. The classroom fell back into a comfortable silence and Yoongi finally took his seat, taking out his things. He let out a small 'hi' to Hoseok accompanied by a smile which he received from Hoseok afterward. Somehow it wasn't awkward, it was overwhelming. It felt nerve-wracking, in a good way. Or in all honesty, Yoongi didn't know how it felt, because he never felt it before. After their last time seeing each other he honestly didn't know what to expect anymore. While they were listening to the teacher he doodled in his notebook, his other hand resting in his lap. It didn't take long for Hoseok notice Yoongi's small creations on paper, smiling to himself at the cute, almost child-like doodles. He was cute. Yoongi was really concentrated, the tip of his tongue sticking out in between his lips when he noticed another pen in his sight that started to draw something next to his doodle. Hoseok. Yoongi didn't even know if it was worth addressing because at this point everyone and even him knew that he was flustered. Again. He looked at Hoseok through his eyelashes, finding him already looking at him. It was like Hoseok was very carefully observing the boy with a fond look on his face. They continued doodling in Yoongi's notebook when Yoongi felt Hoseok shift. Hoseok's arm that was was between their seats just took a resting position on the side of Yoongi's chair. Yoongi's heart temporarily stopped. Again. What is he doing? Was he going to hold his hand again? And if so can he do it faster cause Yoongi has been waiting for it the second he let go of Hoseok's hand on Wednesday. However, Hoseok didn't react, his palm still smoothly going around the surface of the notebook, doodling. Yoongi was stuck on filling in his doodle for what seemed like a millionth second but he couldn't focus on that when their shoulders were almost touching, their hands just centimeters apart. Yoongi's head was feeling light as he felt himself get back into the same daze from before. With each second frustration filled his body and Yoongi couldn't stand it anymore. The flustered boy had two options: he either runs out of here or he holds that damn hand himself. His hand moved from his lap to get lower in order to reach the boy when suddenly it was enveloped into Hoseok's and put back into Yoongi's lap. They were both reaching for each other. Yoongi stared at their hands in his lap, finding himself wanting to take a picture of it while it's there. You should capture the special moments, right? A lighthearted laugh escaped Hoseok and when Yoongi turned to the boy he saw him looking down, smiling. 

"Is there a reason why this is funny to you, Hoseok?" The teacher asked, making Yoongi actually shiver in his seat, a small wave of fear washing through his body. 

"No, not at all, sorry", Hoseok said, his face quickly turning off the smile and putting on a serious face. The teacher quickly turned to what she was doing before as if letting Hoseok get away with a warning. The boys started doodling again when Yoongi felt Hoseok's hand squeeze his under the table. Right. They were still holding hands. Yoongi looked up to see Hoseok's smile again and he smiled back just as wide. They were holding hands without a clear understanding of their situation and they were okay.

It was quite a delight.

-

Class ended earlier than Yoongi wanted it to, which was rare and well, holding Hoseok's hand was also rare. When the bell rang everyone started getting up from their seats, making the two of them detach hands and come back to reality. Their own personal bubble was gone once again. They stood up, both of them wanting to leave the scene as quick as possible and at that moment it didn't bother Yoongi, because the other boy was stupid enough to leave his backpack in class before coming back again and picking it up. 

Just enough time for Yoongi to slide the mixtape inside.

-

As Hoseok finally reached his room he couldn't be happier. You know that feeling when you experience something good and you're feeling almost too lucky to have experienced it and you just wish that the day would end on that good thing like an episode of a tv show. You're too afraid that something bad is going to ruin the excitement over the small victory. That's how Hoseok felt. He felt like music class was that good experience of the day and he didn't want to wash it over with other memories, he wanted this to be his only memory, at least for now. He soon found out he couldn't have a cake and eat it too, cause the newly found cassette in his backpack was something he certainly did not expect. For some reason, he thought it was the end, but it seemed like it was far from it, because there was a new clue, a new piece of evidence that could lead him to the culprit. 

°。°。°。°。°。°。°。゜。°。°。°。 

 

1\. Stuck on puzzle

2\. What is love? Tell me is it easy?

3\. Like or like like

4\. Heart out

5\. Fallingforyou

\- Y.

°。°。°。°。°。°。°。゜。°。°。°。 

 

Did they sign it? There was nothing else that the mystery person left, except for the letter 'y', which, unfortunately, could be anything or anyone. He was now back in the wagon of the same train of thoughts about the mystery boy. He let himself relax with the mixtape playing in the back round. 

Don't you see me I

I think I'm falling, 

I'm falling for you

He felt his heart leap over and over again as he replayed the last song. It felt like the songs the person picked were honest and raw, like he wanted to say something like he wanted to be seen, but something was holding them back. He could feel the same feeling rise back from the depths of his being, the same feeling of anxious curiosity. 

Someone was falling for him, but who was he falling for?

[sunday]

Yoongi's taste buds were hit with an overwhelmingly strong taste of coffee as he sat in one of the booths of the coffee shop, waiting for Namjoon.  He missed Namjoon. He felt as if they haven't met up in ages and it was all because of him not being able to cope with his school girl-ish emotions. He saw Namjoon wiping the last few tables, the few last minutes of his shift going extremely slow. Yoongi waited for some time, quietly sipping his coffee as he scrolled through his phone. After an agonizingly long wait, a smiley Namjoon had appeared in front of him, a cup of coffee in his hands. 

"Wow, you honestly look different every time I see you Yoongs", Namjoon remarked, taking a sip of his own coffee as Yoongi gave him a defensive look. "It's either because we barely see each other or because the lover boy thing is still going", Namjoon winked, already knowing the answer, like he always does. Yoongi shrugged not really sure how to answer.

"It's more like, crawling...very slowly crawling", Yoongi said, trying to put it logically.

"Well, you kept putting the mixtapes into his bag right? That's still on?" Namjoon asked again, trying to pry the information out of the boy. Yoongi fiddled with an empty paper container for sugar as he spoke.

"Yes, the mixtapes are still going, but I was just going to put them and never reveal who I am but then he held my hand and I-"

"He did what?" Namjoon asked, his eyes wide as he tried to not sound too intrigued.

"He held my hand when we were walking to the bus stop and then when we were in music class it kinda happened again and I don't know, does that mean he likes me? Or is it more just a comfort thing, you know like how we hold hands sometimes too", Yoongi asks, his eyes filled with doubt and just general unknown that he knew drove Yoongi insane. Namjoon looked at Yoongi for some time, giving him a small smile. Oh, how long has he been waiting for Yoongi's little heart to start working. He knew that saying it out loud would be weird because this was not a pleasant situation for Yoongi right now, but it's still something. Something new. 

"There is no way in the world the boy would risk being seen holding your hand in class if he didn't like you. The world is judgemental as it is and still, all he cared about was getting those sweet forty-five minutes of hand-holding", Namjoon shrugged his shoulders, resting his cup on the table. "At least I see it that way, Yoon", He finished and let Yoongi speak, expecting to receive all the 'against' arguments that Yoongi's insecure ass had made up. But Yoongi didn't.

"Yeah, maybe. But him liking me does not help the situation. People say if you like them, you know what to do. No, I don't. I have no idea. Just because we supposedly like each other does not mean that things are going to be easier, they are probably going to be even harder because now I'm dependent on him, I can't properly function if I'm not aware of his state and it makes my own drop to shit. It's like I'm consciously torturing myself and I am enjoying it too. How do I do this? My lack of experience does not necessarily help me with this", Yoongi let everything out with one smooth breath, Namjoons small nods of understanding encouraging him to speak. Yoongi didn't talk about feelings often and that's why Namjoon appreciated this so much. He was trying.

"I understand. But that's what love or relationships are. You are always afraid to get attached, to hand yourself on a plate for someone only for them to throw it all away. Everything is a risk and every move feels like it's either going to be a loss or a win, but it's worth it. Risking your own heart to be shattered because of someone. And if that someone does the same for you - it makes it worth it. Because the thing that is even worse than heartbreak is knowing that you didn't do anything to change it, you didn't show that you wanted it, that you would be willing to try. So if you really do feel like he's worth it, go for it. Confess. You have nothing to lose and hearts heal over time. There it is, your experience. It will never get easier with relationships and it sucks, but it also is a beautiful encounter that you don't get to experience so often."

Maybe Namjoon was right and Yoongi really did have nothing to lose. Maybe he should confess and know he did all he could. 

After all, for how long will he be playing safe?

[monday]

"Jungkook, you actually look like a fucking pig right now", Jimin snorted, glaring at how the other boy was trying to eat his dripping sandwich with eagerness.

"Oh, look who's talking", Jungkook replied, making Jimin scoff. 

The three of them were sitting at lunch, none of them particularly enjoying Mondays. The whole weekend for Hoseok was calm and non-productive. He couldn't really focus on anything important, but also couldn't really make up what was going on inside so he chose to just stay home, playing all the mixtapes over again. He felt bad for being apart from his friends for so long, but he felt like distractions were something he should avoid, even the good ones. 

"I've got a new mixtape", Hoseok said for the first time during the whole lunch break, making Jimin frantically look at him, waiting for more.

"Any updates? Or is it still just very gay and cheesy?" 

"Well it was signed with a 'Y', so I'm guessing that's the first letter of their name or something?" Hoseok said, hoping for his friends to be of any help.

"You know how many names start with a 'Y'?" Jimin asked, "Your secret admirer is either really smart or extremely stupid", The boy said, his lips forming into a pout as his pensive glance ran around the cafeteria as if to spot their wanted person.

"Well yeah, but maybe you know who would fit this category the most? Like someone who actually knows me?" 

"You actually just asked me to tell you who knows you at school, don't you think that says a lot about your social life sweetheart?" Jimin laughed, earning a chuckle from Jungkook who then earned a smack from Jimin. He still didn't forgive him for that pig comment, that in Jimin's eyes was so uncalled for. 

"I feel like it's almost too obvious if I say Young-jae", Jimin replies after a few seconds of thinking. "Haven't you ever thought about it being him? He seriously has the heart eyes for you whenever you help him with anything in dance".

Hoseok never thought of that before, but now, when it was right in front of him he couldn't deny that it really did make sense. Young-jae was someone Hoseok had met on the first days of school. He was one of the boys from dance class that Jimin and Jungkook shared a very surface level friendship. Young-jae was always very nice and would often ask Hoseok for help or even compliment the boy on his abilities. He did seem way too nice for just a casual acquaintance, but Hoseok didn't question it, he just liked to think that's how Young-jae was to everyone. 

"Yeah, I guess that would make sense, but we rarely have classes together, how would he even know where to look for my backpack?" Hoseok asked, trying to find holes in this already very promising theory.

"You said you got the mixtapes a few times already. He could've sneaked the mixtapes any time we all had dance practices or just asked around, it's not that hard to figure out", Jimin said in a matter-of-fact way, proving his point.

"That does make sense", Hoseok agreed, his eyes now searching for Young-jae in the cafeteria. "But are you guys sure he likes me or whatever?", he looked at his hands that were anxiously tapping on his leg, "We don't even hang out". Jimin took a deep sigh, and Hoseok just held in his breath, waiting for whatever Jimin had to say.

"First of all, you don't have to hang out with someone to like them, you just do and that's the tea. Second of all, You are stupid, Hoseok. You never notice anything or anyone. I just stole like five fries from you in broad daylight and you didn't even sense it", Jimin said in a mocking matter as if to show just how pathetically obvious Hoseok was. Maybe Young-jae really did like him and maybe it was his way of showing it since they don't communicate as much for him to actually ask Hoseok out. This was a theory that was the most logical, yet the strangest to the boy. It's not like he didn't like Young-jae, he just wasn't sure that he would be able to select the songs as carefully if he wasn't aware of Hoseok's situation. After all, Hoseok couldn't tell, he truly wasn't as observant as his friends. 

-

Hoseok scrolled through Instagram as he tried to get rid of boredom. His fingers typed in 'Young-jae' into the search bar and after a few minutes of exploring he found the boy he was looking for. Young-jae was already following Hoseok on there, which made him feel a bit apologetic because wow, he really does not notice other people. Young-jae seemed like a good person to be around, his profile littered with pictures of him and his friends fooling around in all parts of school and town with the occasional selfie that was dipped in at least three different filters on SNOW. He looked sweet. Yet he didn't see any resemblance with the songs or music he was sending him. But maybe that's how it was supposed to be, untraceable. He hit the follow button, finding himself in Young-jae's direct messages, forming a message.

@junghoseok1 

 

\- Hey, sorry I didn't follow you before! I'm not much of an instagram user >:(

This will do he thought. It was enough for him to be the one to confront the boy, since the last time he was on the search for the mystery person he actually made Jimin contact Taehyung and well, Hoseok thought that this should be fair. If he expects the mystery person to be honest with him he should man up too, right? A few minutes later he received a message back.

@youngyoungjae

 

\- oh hi Hobi! 

\- lol it's okay, at least you finally did!

Hoseok smiled, the nickname reminding him of someone else calling him the same. Yoongi. He shook his mind off from the subject, replying.

@junghoseok1 

 

\- I was wondering if you had plans tomorrow? 

\- dance practice was canceled so maybe we could hang out? >:)

Hoseok put away his phone, feeling some type of nervous. He could only dream of this being the actual person and the fact that he could be meeting them tomorrow made his knees weak. This would be almost too good to be true. 

@youngyoungjae

 

\- oh thanks for telling me I would have shown up for no reason :c

\- and sure!!! I would love to

\- where are you thinking?

As Hoseok went to discuss the further details for tomorrow he couldn't understand why this made him feel almost guilty. As he put his phone down, resting his head on his pillow, he soon figured why.

Yoongi.

He didn't know what to do with the situation but he knew that after meeting Yoongi he wished he would never meet the mixtape person or that the mixtape person would be Yoongi, but Hoseok knew that he couldn't have it all. He knew that it was rude because the mixtape person did put a lot of effort and he did see himself falling for them, but with Yoongi around all that would change and his mind would become cloudy with him and his face and his small hands and the way he would look at him and ugh! He still wanted to thank him and tell him how much he appreciated every single mixtape, but he wasn't sure of the outcome. He wasn't truly sure about anything anymore. He didn't want to lose either one of them and he knew he was being selfish, so so selfish. Everything seemed so complicated he felt as if he was ice skating for the first time, every turn or move slippery and dangerous, warning him about falling. He didn't want to admit that he had fallen for Yoongi because Yoongi is too good for him and in order for him to like Hoseok he would have to match that and he knew he couldn't. 

Hoseok went to sleep late that night, thoughts of confusion clouding his brain, mixtapes still playing in the background.

[tuesday]

Hoseok was nervous. So very nervous. He never liked meeting highly anticipated people. Well maybe he did, he just did not like everything that went before that. That sickly feeling of anxiousness that would point out every single flaw or inconsistency, tell him he's not ready for it, scare him with possible outcomes. The second he woke up his head was already buzzing with thoughts, possible scenarios or just whatever he could think of and latch onto. The school did not make it better, that's why during lunchtime he decided to go to the library and be in the solitude of his own tormenting brain.

He opened the doors of the library, his eyes catching the view of the deserted tables surrounded by various bookshelves. He took a deep breath, taking in the silence. As if to try and stop his own thoughts the boy decided to go on an adventure, walking through the series of shelves that were full of books. He took slow steps, his eyes sometimes catching a title of interest. He would take it from the shelf and inspect it, sometimes flicking through the pages and noting himself to read it sometime. This continued for some time until he felt his feet hitting something soft making him stumble, almost falling. He was about to cuss out whatever object or a person that was disturbing his calm stroll before his eyes looked down and had to take another look - it was Yoongi. 

For fuck's sake.

Yoongi was sitting on the floor of the library, his legs comfortably resting against the bookshelf, a book in one hand and a piece of a sandwich in another. The way the boy was sitting made him look even smaller, so small that Hoseok didn't even notice him there, though, to be honest, he probably wouldn't have noticed an elephant cause god was he nervous. He noticed how Yoongi's pupils dilated, his body consciously shrinking in his place. Hoseok crouched so that he would be in the same eye level as Yoongi, giving him a soft smile, feeling his nervousness disappearing and another feeling of a more pleasant anxiousness overtaking his body.

"Hey"

"Hi," Yoongi replied, a smile forming on his own face as the small silence created around them. The silence was filled with an unknown feeling. As if the both of them knew something, yet could not say it out loud, like there was something going on but there actually wasn't. They were just sitting on the library floor, smiling at each other. 

Hoseok broke the silence, speaking up.

"So that's why I can never find you during lunch breaks, you're hiding here", He said in an almost teasing tone, making himself comfortable next to the boy. Yoongi looked down, closing his book and turning his attention to Hoseok.

"Yeah, I guess so... I like it here, it's calm unlike any other place in school", Yoongi said, "What are you doing here? N-not that I mind, I just never see you here",  he asked, his eyes scanning his surroundings. 

"I don't know I've just been feeling anxious today and thought of this place", Hoseok said, playing with his hands that were now in his lap, "I should start coming here more often", he replied, making Yoongi blush. It wasn't awkward between them, but it was definitely tense, the same kind of silence still lingering between the two of them. 

"Why were you anxious? Is something wrong?" 

Hoseok could see the worry in Yoongi's eyes and the fact that Yoongi cared made him feel warm. He almost didn't know how to answer, because he did not feel anxious anymore, he never did when it was just the two of them. 

"Well I'm supposed to meet someone important today, someone who I think I've been looking for for some time now and I just want it to go well, you know? I'm not really good with first times", Hoseok said, looking at Yoongi. To that Yoongi just gave the boy a small smile of reassurance.

"You shouldn't worry too much, whoever it is that you are meeting should be happy, you're a great person Hobi", Yoongi replied, his cheeks still slightly tinted with a blush. 

"Do you really think so?" Hoseok asked, his voice now more silent, "That I'm a good person I mean". By now he was even more flustered, his eyes staring at the ground, waiting for the answer that even though would seem obvious to most people was now making Hoseok's heartbeat run laps around his whole body.

"Of course, one of the best I know". 

After this, it became even quieter than before. It seemed like the library was way noisier, because at this point the only thing that Hoseok could hear completely clear was his own heartbeat, sending pulsating sensations all over his body. Yoongi's comment yet small made a huge effect on the boy. He felt so lightheaded. Here he was, crouching in front of the definition of purity in human form, feeling like he does not even belong next to them and at the same time, this pile of pure good is telling him that he is one of the best people they know. Him, the person who has an ugly family situation, the person who cried in front of him without any mask of bravery on his face, the person who doesn't know what they want, the person that is flawed and troubled. Yoongi, for some reason, manages to see so much good in him he doesn't think he will ever reach, yet here he was looking him in the eyes, finding little spots in his brain that start agreeing with Yoongi, that start telling him he's good, he will get through this, he is strong enough. Yoongi was making Hoseok like himself, love himself even. Hoseok's mouth was slightly agape, his eyes were becoming wetter every second as a train of emotions knocked straight into him with full force. At that moment he felt so much. After a few days of feeling close to nothing he was now exploding with emotions and he knew it was all because of Yoongi. All because of this one ridiculously simple and primitive conversation. He didn't know what to do and he didn't know what he was doing when his body shuffled closer to Yoongi, his body now fully sitting on the ground, both of their legs touching. His face was now inches away from Yoongi reminding him of the same situation they were in not too long ago.

"Hoseok I-" Yoongi began to speak, but quickly stopped, realizing no words could ever say anything to reply to the intensity of Hoseok's stare. He was looking him straight in the eyes, looking with such an intense mixture of adoration, pain, love, anger and so much more than he was able to describe. 

Hoseok's palm went up to Yoongi's hair lightly brushing a few strands of hair out of his face, his fingers shivering slightly as if he was afraid to ruin something. He could hear a silent whimper coming from Yoongi and he understood him way too well. They were both afraid of such an intense feeling, both afraid of what was coming and what wasn't. They didn't know what this was but both felt that this was right, that this was bigger than them. Hoseok's palm cupped Yoongi's cheek, feeling Yoongi's soft skin against his own, the boys soft breath hitting his face effortlessly. They were now once again enveloped in their own private bubble. It was as if they were both trying to catch air from one another, breathing in each others air, each others scent, both of their eyes scanning each other's faces, no trace of fear or nervousness left. Yoongi's arm went up to rest itself on Hoseok's neck, lightly scratching the back of his head, playing with short strands of his hair. They were so close it was almost like they could hear each other's hearts pounding, both of them trying to kill this small space between them. Hoseok's lips brushed past Yoongi's for only a second, both of them flushing an even deeper shade of red, you couldn't even call it a kiss, more like a mere skin on skin contact, but it was still so much, so overwhelming. The two of them wanted this so badly, so desperately like they didn't need air like they didn't need anything else, just let them embarrassingly fall in love and they will be fine. Their lips finally touched again. It was nothing more than just a chaste simple kiss, but it was not like anything else in the world. Yoongi could feel his lips on Hoseoks. His lips were warm and inviting, pressing themselves on Yoongi's ones. His eyes were closed shut, his arm now tightly holding Hoseok by his neck as if he was afraid that he wasn't stable on his own, as if he had lost all sense of gravity around him. He could feel Hoseok lightly tracing small lines on his cheek with his finger. He tried to remember what it felt like, tried to remember the way Hoseok's fingers felt against his skin, the way his hair felt tangled around his fingers, the way he felt Hoseok's presence hovering over him, how safe and cared for he felt at that moment. It was as if once Hoseok loosens his grip he's going to fall, going to come back to reality where none of this existed. Hoseok separated their lips, going in for another kiss. This time he was greeted halfway by Yoongi. Yoongi felt Hoseok's tongue asking for entrance, to which he gave in, deepening the kiss. It was even more relaxing and sweet, both of them already a bit used to being so close to one another. Hoseok's other arm began caressing Yoongi's back and shoulders, trying to give him as much comfort as possible, he never wanted the boy to feel pressured or unsafe by his actions. He was so precious and small in his eyes, so easily effected. He felt almost honored to be the one able to touch him in that way. And somewhere deep in his heart, he knew he wanted to be the only one. For a few minutes, the both of them stayed in the cycle of repeating the same actions over and over again, each time it still feeling new and fresh and surprising and overwhelming and everything that the both of them had always wanted.

Until it wasn't.

A loud ringtone echoed through the bookshelves as Hoseok's back pocket started vibrating. Someone was calling him. It struck them both like lightning, Hoseok's body quickly shuffling to grab his phone. He leaned away from a flustered Yoongi, quickly answering.

"Hello? Oh, h-hi, it completely slipped my mind, I'll be there in a few",  Hoseok said quickly, looking around for his stuff. As he was about to get up his eyes looked down, seeing a very confused and flustered boy. He was fighting the urge to just cancel his plans and stay right there with the boy and he found that to be one of the hardest things he ever had to do. He leaned in once more, giving the boy a small peck on the cheek.

"Thank you for taking my stress away, I promise I'll see you soon Yoongi". Hoseok said and quickly got up, rushing out of the library.

Yoongi just sat there, his eyes still as wide as ever, the feeling of Hoseok's lips on his still lingering, his scent still on his clothes. 

He couldn't hide a shamefully big grin on his face as he didn't know whether to cry or squeal out of joy.

What was going to happen now?

-

Hoseok ran out of the library, his whole body lacking air from both running and the previous encounter with Yoongi. His thoughts were jumping all over the place, his vision blurring out as he tried to make sense of what was his life right now. He finally reached the front of the school, a smiley Young-jae already catching sight of him. As he finally was next to the other boy he stopped, taking a few big gulps of air as he still tried to grasp reality. 

"Hey, weirdo, what has got you so breathless?", Young-jae asked, giving him a small smile laced with curiosity. He looked good, cute even, but sadly Hoseok wasn't in the right mind to think of it because of someone else clouding his mind. 

"Sorry, I was in the library, completely lost the track of time", Hoseok replied giving him an apologetic look, finally regaining his posture. 

"Wouldn't take you for a book guy, but hey, that's cute", Young-jae replied, giving the boy a small wink. Hoseok blushed, he really wasn't a book guy and he probably never will be since the library now holds a completely different connotation in his brain. He was not expecting Young-jae to be so upfront and flirty, but he figured it was just his way to go around things.

"Thanks", Hoseok replied as they made their way to some cafe Young-jae had his eye on. 

This was going to be interesting.

-

There's always at least a few people in your life such as classmates, coworkers, distant relatives that you rarely talk to that aren't bad people, they might be even the exact opposite - nice, caring, funny, extremely talented, yet there's a certain dryness to them, as if as interesting as they were, they would never really interest you specifically. It seems as if they are lacking a certain thing in them that allows you to 'click' with them and as much as you try to stay interested - nothing works. They're just not your type of people. Throughout his life, Hoseok has met a lot of people like that. This wasn't a thing he was happy about, but he already got used to it, learning how to maintain a coworker-like friendship while not hurting the people with his honest opinion about them as well as enjoying their company on the very surface level. Though what was very rare and usually highly unexpected, is when from the looks of it interesting, that special 'click' people turn out to be completely not. They're neither good or bad - they're just bland. As much as Hoseok didn't want to admit it, Young-jae was one of those people. Young-jae was pretty smart, pretty good at making conversation as well as listening, had a decent understanding and ability to humor around or express his opinions in a polite way, yet there was nothing truly raw about him. He was kind of like a character who's too perfect and unrealistic that everyone hates. He was kind of like that. Cleaned up, seemingly carefree and sometimes too PG as if he thought someone was always spying on him and listening to what he's saying. As they drank coffee and talked about things that were mostly in the orbit of school Hoseok made up his mind about this not being the mixtape guy. He knew this couldn't be. There were a few factors that formed his decision such as Young-jae, not even once mentioned music as well as didn't really have the feel of the mixtape person. Hoseok knew it was stupid, but he just didn't think it was him. They both realized that they had been sitting at the cafe for some time now when the dimmer evening lights were turned on inside, yellow kind of light swallowing the whole area. 

"Thanks for inviting me to hang out, I probably would've never gotten enough balls to actually ask you to go anywhere", Young-Jae said, giving Hoseok a small smile, blushing. Hoseok returned the smile, finding the other boy endearing, he liked to see the genuine kind of emotion from Young-jae, that's what captured him most about people.

"It's no big deal, I'm glad I did, it was fun!" Hoseok replied, finishing up his coffee. 

They both made their way towards the exit, making sure to bid their goodbyes to the staff. When they finally met with the now cold wind of the outdoors the two of them stopped as if to finish up their meet up, both of them were going different ways. Hoseok thought for a minute. Even if this wasn't the mixtape person, he should still ask, that's why he came here in the first place and of course, how can he really know if he never asked? 

"Listen Young-jae before you go..." Hoseok trailed off, grabbing the other boys attention. The other boy raised his eyes to look up at Hoseok, a hopeful kind of glance directed at him. 

"Yes?" 

"I kind of been meaning to ask you one thing", even if Hoseok had done this once before, it does not mean it was any easier. Every time he had to speak out loud about this exact topic he would hesitate, - he was pretty sure it made him sound like an insane person. "I've been receiving these uhh mixtapes, like cassettes? And someone kept leaving them in my bag and such and I have no idea who it is so I came on this mission to find out who they are, but as you can probably tell I'm pretty oblivious and don't even know who notices me so my friends told me I should try to ask you, since they say it is very likely, I hope you don't mind me being this honest", Hoseok looked down at his shoes, his cheeks red, "I just really wish to know who it is, I feel like they mean so much to me", he finished speaking, still finding his shoes way more interesting and less frightening than Young-jae's glance. 

Suddenly he felt a pair of arms wrapping around his neck, another body crashing into his. Hoseok shivered from the unexpected move from Young-jae, quite confused as to what was happening. He knew he was acting pathetic but he didn't think it was that bad that Young-jae actually started pitying him.

"Wha-why?" Hoseok asked, his eyes looking forward to the end of the street through Young-jae's head, the other boy was still closely pressed to him. 

"It's me"

-

To put it shortly - Yoongi was a mess. After the library incident, he continued his day with classes, but it sure felt like he wasn't at school at all. He felt anxious even to sit in classes, he felt like everyone could somehow tell he just had his first kiss in the school's library. Since then Yoongi has already calmed down, but every once in a while his mind would go back to the memory and make the boy blush and welcome back his flustered state, because hey, this couldn't be happening. Not in the harsh reality he was living in where he was very close to no one and Hoseok was very close to everything you've ever wanted. 

As he came home and was able to sink into his bed, feeling the comforting weight of his multiple blankets, thoughts were still running around in his head. He thought of calling Namjoon and maybe trying to talk it out with him, but he was pretty sure he knew what the other boy would say. He would tell him to confess just like he had told him before. Brutally, honestly confess. And as surprising as that sounds, Yoongi was actually considering it as an option (other options being - to hide in his room for at least a few years until this dies down or pretend it never happened and hopefully switch schools, because at this point the number of emotions he felt around the boy was embarrassing). He wouldn't have seriously considered it even when the two of them held hands, but now, since they've kissed, since Hoseok initiated the kiss (at least that's what Yoongi remembers happening, the whole thing still seemed much like a blur) he wanted to believe that Hoseok had at least some feelings for him. He didn't expect Hoseok to love him or like him with the same intensity that Yoongi liked him, he would be happy with whatever he got. He just wanted to be approved of those thoughts, those guesses that would prove that he was not being delusional when he saw those rare flickers of fondness in Hoseok's eyes when he leaned in to connect their lips. His mind wandered back to the moment in the library. He remembered how soft Hoseok's hair was, the way his own fingers played with it, how Hoseok smelled so good and how his lips were so soft and inviting. He could still recall his hands on his lower back or his fingers grazing his cheek with such caution. It felt like at that moment Hoseok was protecting him way too much like he wanted to hide him from the world and spend the rest of eternity with him in his arms. Again, he realized he was thinking about this situation, that he was thinking of him. His thoughts were betraying him once again. He wanted to not be as invested in this, he really did. He wanted to just look away and be able to say 'that wasn't a big deal' but he couldn't look away as if wherever he turned there he was, Hoseok, with all of his perfect imperfections, staring with the same look of adoration that he had missed. 

As it got later Yoongi turned to his side, checking his phone for the last time before going to sleep. As his eyes closed and he felt himself falling into deep slumber he knew. 

He knew that he was going to confess.

-

He thinks about it. He thinks about it a lot. If Hoseok thought that he was confused before - now he was totally screwed. When he came home, he felt like dying. He felt as if that was the only solution to this completely fucked up situation. He almost felt like he should've never asked Young-jae the question because now he feels like he does not want to know. It was as if the long-anticipated moment of finding out who the mixtape person was was taken away from him. He could only bitterly laugh at the irony. His most waited moment came and it was the most disappointing. It also was laced with a feeling of guilt that he wasn't grateful enough as if he got this kind-hearted selfless person to do such thing for him and wasn't even appreciating it. Don't get him wrong - he did appreciate it a lot, but as much as he didn't want to admit, his appreciation was also tied to romantic feelings for the mystery person. He thought of them as his future partner, someone who could be incredibly close to him. Yet when he found out it was Young-jae, that thought quickly disappeared. Then again, when he gave this more thought he realized that it's probably not up to a person because he wasn't interested in the mixtape person in that way anymore unless it was Yoongi. Yoongi. Yoongi Yoongi Yoongi. Yoongi in his arms. Yoongi with his hands around his neck. Yoongi with his shy smile. Yoongi with his lips on his. He felt like his brain has been making combinations like that since he exited the library and maybe even before that. The library moment was all it took for all the repressed emotions in Hoseok's heart to start escaping and lacing with his blood, with every single cell in his body. At first, what seemed just simple infatuation or fondness for the boy now were fully blooming feelings that he had no idea how to handle. He wanted to be with him. To be close to him. He knew that he didn't know Yoongi that well and still had a lot of learning to do, but fuck did he want to know every single stupid thing about him. He was never in his life so fascinated by anyone or anything and that overwhelmed him greatly. It overwhelmed him so much that he started to think less of the consequences, less about rejection. He felt like before he wasn't strong enough to do it, but the way his body gave in and controlled his whole being when he saw Yoongi's small frame that day in the library proved otherwise. He just wanted to know what it all meant to him. This one question has been running through his brain ever since he held his hand, since he has been trying to show how much he likes him. 

Hoseok put in one of the first mixtapes into his player, the now familiar sound of the first track hitting his ears. Crazy to think how just some time ago these sounds and lyrics made him think of someone who had no face in his head, someone who wasn't yet real. But now this person was as real as ever, he could see him when he closed his eyes.

It was Yoongi. 

[wednesday]

When he woke up at exactly 7 am the next morning, he smiled. It was something he hasn't done in some time, waking up with a smile that is. He remembers doing that when he was in primary school, especially when he would wake up on the day of his birthday. He would wake up slightly earlier than his parents. He would hear them trying to silently shuffle behind the door to not wake him. He could hear them lighting up the candles, rehearsing the 'happy birthday' song. He wouldn't open his eyes, not yet. He would try to count down the seconds for their arrival and at the last second drop the smile and pretend like he's completely asleep as if not to give away their failed attempt at being silent. This morning felt very much like that. He felt happy and also terribly scared. He was going to confess, there is no way out. He is doing it.

-

You're confessing don't chicken out you stupid Yoongi kept telling himself as yet another class was nearing its end. He has been trying to confess the whole day today, ready to just casually catch Hoseok after class and pour all of his emotions for the boy. It wasn't as easy as Yoongi had previously imagined, it was nerve-wracking. But he knew that after this class he really had to do it. He knew that after this class Hoseok goes home and this was his last shot and if he doesn't do it today, he never will. 

The ugly bell of the school rang through the corridors and Yoongi felt his heart drop to his feet. His now shaky hands were gripping his things and shoving them in his bag feeling like he is going to pass out at any minute now. As he was finally done he put his shaking hands in his pockets, throwing his backpack on his shoulder. This break wasn't long so he knew he had to be quick or else he will miss the boy. He exited into the huge sea of people, his anxiety levels already raised by a half. He tried pushing through the people or make them walk a bit faster, cursing under his breath. But the sea of people wasn't keen on listening. It was still going terribly slow and Yoongi was sure he was going to lose his mind. Seconds were going through his body like knives, he felt as if he was trapped in a huge hourglass and he couldn't escape. This was a trainwreck. Each minute that passed of him just moving like a zombie in the sea of people felt like an eternity and he could vividly imagine Hoseok going out from the front door, looking out for Yoongi even. Thoughts like the burned small holes in his heart that made him push forward even harder, earning annoyed scoffs from people around him. He tried taking this time as an advantage to rehearse what he was going to say when he sees him. Should he take his hand? Should he just kiss him like there's no tomorrow? He tried forming sentences but words seemed to run from him whenever he chose one. He was nearing the end of his path, he could almost see the hall of Hoseok's locker and he was still stuck on how he should greet the boy. He was close, way closer than he thought. As he took another step his foot stepped on something. His own shoelace. Yoongi felt with a loud thud, his knees temporarily aching with the unpleasant feeling. He was so nervous that he almost didn't feel the fall. As people went their ways the hall was left empty. Yoongi tied his shoe and stood up, his eyes finally catching the person they have been longing to see. There he was, just like he predicted. He stood next to his open locker, his eyes watching the other person in front of him. It was a guy he has never seen before. He was attractive and seemed to have Hoseok's attention which made Yoongi feel a slight stab of jealousy in his heart. It's okay, you will come up to him once he goes away Yoongi reassured himself, fixing his sweater a bit as if to prepare. Yet what happened next was definitely worse than Hoseok leaving earlier than expected. For some time the two boys just talked, when the unknown guy situated his hand next to Hoseok's head, against the locker. After that, it all went by in a flash. His hand grabbing Hoseok's cheek roughly and pressing his lips on Hoseok's. Yoongi wasn't sure how long the kiss lasted because his vision already got drowsy because of tears that were forming in his eyes. He started slightly shaking his head almost in an attempt to deny this reality, deny that it was happening before his very eyes. He could feel his whole body shaking and shivering from the cold that suddenly took over his body. He looked lost and scared. It was as if this whole bridge of confessing his feelings was slowly built over a few weeks and now in a matter of a few seconds was torn down, ruined. There was nothing for him to stand on. The ground around him disappeared and it felt as if he didn't know where he was. He looked at them again, this time they weren't kissing. He couldn't make out either of the boys' emotions because of his blurred vision and harshly shivering body, but the second that his and Hoseok's eyes connected he couldn't. He couldn't stand there anymore and he couldn't pretend he could hold himself up. The amount of pain he was feeling was betrayed by a few tears that fell down his cheeks. He started running. He could hear a faint noise of someone calling him before the white noise overtook his hearing and he just ran. He ran so fast that when he stopped he wasn't sure where he was or what time it was. His body hasn't stopped shivering and he didn't know what to do. His palms went up to his ears, squeezing his head and trying to escape this headspace, his legs were curled up close to his chest as he tried counting his breaths, thinking of anything else. He finally gathered enough strength to find his phone and unlock it, already calling his emergency contact. Namjoon.

"Hey Yoongi"

"Yoongi? Hello?"Namjoon tried to get somewhat of a response from the boy, his tone now becoming slightly worried. Yoongi opened his mouth, trying to let out at least anything but he couldn't. The boy kept whimpering and silently crying, praying that Namjoon doesn't hang up on him. And of course, he doesn't.

"Yoongi, please try and breathe, you're safe. I have your locations on 'find friends' I'll be there soon okay? Please stay on the phone, I'll be there in no time".

As Namjoon kept reassuring the boy Yoongi was still shivering, trying to wipe away his tears, trying to get rid of this horrid feeling in his stomach. He couldn't wait for Namjoon to be there.

-

As Hoseok's classes ended he was talking to Young-jae next to his locker. Well, more like Young-jae was talking to him. Actually, Young-jae has been trying to talk to him like that since the morning and Hosesok was pretty sure he wasn't able to tolerate it anymore. That evening, after Young-jae had confessed it was him, Hoseok was very much speechless. He even asked the boy a few times to make sure this wasn't some sick joke. But it seemed to him like it wasn't and well, now he had a whiny Young-jae running after him wherever he went. The thoughts of Yoongi that he had the previous night had only intensified, he was always looking around for the boy, wishing to see him at least for a second, yet he didn't. He even went to the library during lunch but was only met with a wave with disappointment when the boy wasn't there. He wanted to see him. As stupid as it sounds, he missed him. It has only been a day, but he couldn't stop thinking about him. He wanted to see him so very badly. 

So here he was, trying to grab his stuff from the locker as Young-jae stood in front of him, talking about something irrelevant once again. It was fascinating how quickly Young-jae went from tolerable to annoying. Again, he didn't want to be rude, so he just listened, hoping that soon the boy will get the hint. As he finally got ready to leave he turned around to face the other boy.

"So, do you have any plans today? Maybe you'd like to go somewhere?" Young-jae asked, the same hopeful smile on his face as he examined Hoseok's features.

"I'm pretty tired so I don't think it's the best time, maybe some other time?" Hoseok replied, trying to sound as polite as possible. Even if he didn't like Young-jae, he still didn't want to offend the boy in any way. After all, all feelings are gentle and should be taken seriously. 

"Oh okay, I understand. No problem! We can hang out later", Young-jae replied, suddenly bringing his hand to rest against the locker, almost caging Hoseok under him. Hoseok's face projected a very weird look at the boy as if to kindly ask what the fuck are you actually doing but it seemed like Young-jae was faster than him because before he even got the chance to speak he felt his body rush way too close to him, attacking his lips with his own.

What.

Hoseok's eyes opened even wider, their lips still connected, Young-jae's body strongly pressed against him. The sudden shock that paralyzed him made the kiss last even longer when suddenly Hoseok's eyes looked around to see if there was anyone watching them and there was. Yoongi. 

Fuck, Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

The entirety of his body swiftly pushed himself away from the other boy that was against him, his face now red of embarrassment and anger. He didn't even want to imagine the emotions that were now in Yoongi's heart because the second Hoseok imagines Yoongi being kissed by someone else it makes him want to cry from hurt. He finally detaches his eyes from the boy at the end of the hall as he turns to look at Young-jae.

"What are you doing? What made you think this was a good idea! How can you just kiss someone out of nowhere!" Hoseok cried out, anger very strongly playing in his voice as his fists were clenching. 

"I thought-"

"I don't care what you thought! This isn't right! If I hadn't made myself clear this is never going to happen! You didn't even consider the idea of me not wanting this! Go! Just go!" Hoseok could feel his eyes getting teary. He was so angry and so sad at the same time. Young-jae didn't utter another word as he quickly turned away from Hoseok and rushed out of school. The second he went out Hoseok's eyes quickly went back to find Yoongi, but he was already nowhere to be seen. He could feel his body tremble. His body slit down against the lockers to the ground. Taking his face into his palms he tried to calm down. He tried to erase the last minutes that just played out. He fucked up. So so terribly. His heart felt too heavy like it was bleeding out from the pain he caused the other boy he's been thinking about for what seemed like too long. He quickly took out his phone, finding his and Yoongi's text messages, quickly typing out a text.

Hoseok:

\- I'm sorry

\- it meant nothing

\- I can explain everything

\- please talk to me

He saw that the messages weren't delivering to his phone, figuring he most likely turned it off. He sunk deeper into the ground, trying his best not to cry. How was he going to fix this?

-

He couldn't fall asleep for the entirety of that night, or the night after that. He could see that Yoongi had read the texts, but chose not to reply. And he didn't blame him. He knew it was his fault. He was right when he said he wasn't good enough for him. For anyone. He felt stupid for even thinking that somehow he wasn't going to fuck up what he had with Yoongi. He deserved to feel this pain and he was going to. He only had himself to blame.

[wednesday, next week]

A doorbell woke him up in the morning signalizing there was someone waiting for him at the front door. Or maybe it wasn't morning. He wasn't really keeping track of the time. Why should he anyway? 

A week has passed. 

A week of not hearing anything back from Yoongi. A week of going to school in hopes to see him by his locker or in the library munching on his sandwich as he read a book. It was almost as if he had imagined him. Like he was never actually there. Not seeing him in music class was most likely the most hurt Hoseok has ever felt. It brought so many memories. The way they first met, the flustered state that Yoongi was in whenever their eyes would meet when he held his hand that one time in class. He wished he had the courage to have held his hand during every music class. Yet he didn't. After Friday he couldn't make himself go to school. He couldn't bear to even stand in front of his locker and not think of what happened. After that day he had tried to contact Yoongi multiple times and after about ten he gave up. He felt like he was such a bother to the boy, able only to hurt him. He just wanted to give the boy space and to stay away from him. He didn't want to cause any more pain. But it was so hard. Nothing was the same. So many things he had done in school that seemed in no way related to the other boy were now filled with him, every place, every corner reminding him of what he once had. What they once had. After Tuesday Young-jae hadn't contacted him and Hoseok was happy for that. He couldn't even look at him without wanting to throw his fists at him. The further away he had gotten from that awfully horrible Tuesday, the harder it seemed to get. He wanted to just forget, but he also couldn't. Every night he would spend hours on trying to put Yoongi's face in his head, remember exactly how he looked, the way his gaze moved around Hoseok's body, the way he would just be. He also spent a lot of time on thinking how things would've turned out if he hadn't fucked things up. If he had seen the boy that day and confessed. He wondered how the boy would've reacted. Would he reply with the same feelings? And if he did would they kiss for the second time and walked out holding hands? These kind of thoughts were the worst because they would put Hoseok in that bubble, their bubble, for some time and then quickly drag him to reality, reminding why things aren't the way he wants them to be. By the time Friday came around he stopped going to school. He also had been avoiding his friends and discussing the situation. He didn't want to ruin their moods as well.

He got up from the bed, his body feeling heavy, too heavy for him to move. As he finally got to the door he heard another few doorbells that hit his ears unpleasantly. As he opened the door he was greeted by two figures, one taller than the other. Jimin and Jungkook stood in front of him. Both of their faces showing worry. 

"Hey", Hoseok said, his voice slightly breaking. He felt like he hasn't spoken to anyone in ages. Even if he wanted to, he had nothing to say. 

"Hey? Are you out of your mind? You suddenly disappear for god knows how long, ignore all of our texts and calls and when we come to your house to check if you're not dead, which by the looks of it seems like you are, all you say is 'hey'?", Jimin exclaims, his eyes now a darker shade. He was really that upset. He could see Jungkooks arm resting on Jimin's lower back for comfort and almost smiled which seemed more like an expression of pain. He hated how every memory was engraved in his brain.

"Well, what do you want me to say?" Hoseok replied. He knew he sounded harsh and he did feel bad about it, he just didn't know what else to say. Someone like him does not deserve other people, especially someone as nice as Jimin or Jungkook, actual true friends that seemed to care for him way more than he thought they did.

"Hey! Don't talk to him like that! Don't you see we're fucking worried about you, you asshole", Jungkook spoke up, defending the smaller boy. It made Hoseok almost smile again because wow was Jungkook whipped. 

"It's okay Jungkook, can't you see that this asshole is going through some serious stuff", Jimin said and without any warming attacked Hoseok with the biggest hug. 

At first, Hoseok just stood there at his front step, not really sure how to react. But then he felt something in him break. He couldn't hide it any longer. His arms wrapped around Jimin's small frame as he buried his face in the boy's neck, letting out a sob. He squeezed him even harder as he felt tears falling in an incredibly fast pace, not really able to hold them back. He could sense Jimin's body freezing in shock for a bit but quickly loosening up and hugging the boy even stronger. Jungook stood next to them, an expression of shock on his face. It was shocking to both of them to see Hoseok so traumatized and hurt. They had learned that Hoseok wasn't a person of oversharing, especially when it came to his own struggles, but they didn't expect it to be this bad. 

"It's all my fault", Hoseok let out between sobs, failing to hold anything back anymore. When Jimin finally let go the boys all entered inside. 

I guess it was time for them to finally find out about Yoongi. 

-

Yoongi woke up in the middle of the night, his body sweaty and too hot, shivers running down his body as he tries to get rid of the sick feeling that he had just gotten from the dream he just had. He tried to slow down his breathing, wiping a few tears off of his face. The clock on his nightstand read 4 am. It hasn't been the first time this week that he has had a nightmare. There actually haven't been days in this week that he had a good night's rest. 

He was feeling awful.

Ever since the panic attack the boy had, he hasn't been the same. He to this day is so thankful to Namjoon for calling just in time. Apparently, Yoongi has ran to some park next to his school and wasn't able to get home. The two of them spent almost five hours before Yoongi felt strong enough to stand up. After that incident he had stopped going to school, he couldn't even bear to see Hoseok's face. He was hurt. He tried to imagine how much it would hurt, his first heartbreak, but he never thought it would hurt so good. It was the greatest pain the boy has ever suffered through. He wanted to be angry with him. He wanted to yell and scream and push him for toying with his heart like that, but he just couldn't. It amazed him how much he wanted to come to him and just be wrapped in his arms and seek comfort, but he couldn't. He knew that wouldn't be right for him. He had so much love towards him, he had so much adoration and he knew that he probably didn't want to hurt him. He just wasn't enough. And he knew that. He always did, He felt naive for even thinking of confessing. That would've crushed him even more. 

After the panic attack, Namjoon was paranoid. It was as if Namjoon's protective mode has switched on to it's highest intensity because he would make sure to message or call the boy every hour or so, whenever he had at least a minute of free time. He knew he could've called Namjoon to help him calm down after the horrible nightmare, but he didn't want to. He was a burden already as it was. 

He turned to lie on the other side of the bed. He already knew he wasn't going to get any more sleep tonight. He thought of what to do when suddenly he had it. The idea. It was as if the whole story has started all over again, right back when he didn't know how to express his emotions so he chose music to do it for him. 

This was going to be the saddest mixtape of his life. What a beautiful goodbye.

[thursday]

Hoseok finally goes to school. He doesn't want to be here. He really doesn't. The whole time he's in school he has been accompanied by his two friends who don't seem to want to let go of him. Ever since they had visited him they seemed to realize how delicate the boy truly was. After he had told them about what happened with Yoongi he also decided to tell them about the situation with his parents because Yoongi was right, they should know and they were able to provide him with the comfort he didn't know how to ask for. He started to let his friends comfort him and he finally felt a bit better. It was still hard to pass the corridors of the school, to pass the library or even the bus stop. But he holds it in, He tries to hold himself together without breaking and so far he manages it. 

His classes go by in a blur. He tries to be attentive and listen to the teachers in order to distract himself and he succeeds, just slightly. He passes Young-jae in one of the halls. His surprised face when he sees Hoseok, makes him want to go up to him, but when he sees the cold stare the other boy gives him he decides to just pass him and Hoseok is glad he did. He doesn't know what he would've said.

-

As the day nears to an end he bids his goodbyes to the boys and moves to his locker. What surprises him is that this time there's something attached to it. He sees a small package taped to his locker and quickly grabs it, opening it. It's a mixtape.

His body fills with unexplainable emotions. Did Young-jae did not get the memo? He clenches the mixtape in his fist. He thinks of throwing it away but decides to keep it, curiosity getting the best of him. When he's finally home he sees that this mixtape does not have any cover, it is just black. As he plays with the small box in his hands he cannot understand his emotions, cannot understand why Young-jae would pull something like this after time has already passed. He quickly goes through the list of songs.

°。°。°。°。°。°。°。゜。°。°。°。

 

1\. Gondry

2\. I won't share you

3\. It's hard to get around the wind

4\. A shitty gay song about you

5\. EVERYTHING

°。°。°。°。°。°。°。゜。°。°。°。

 

Hoseok takes a very deep breath as the first sounds hit his heart. He turns off the lights in his room, he doesn't want to see anything or to be seen. As he walks to his bed in the dark. He doesn't care to discard his clothing or make himself comfortable. He falls on his bed, lightly shifting in his place. He looks at the now dark ceilings of his room, he can feel his eyes becoming teary as he seems to not understand the way everything works. It felt as if now he was truly left alone by everyone - by Yoongi, by Young-jae, yet his mind did not stop thinking, not one bit. As he proceeded to feed himself thoughts about Young-jae and why would he ever give him another mixtape his body started to fill with anger rather than sadness. He couldn't believe that someone like him would end up acting out. He swallowed a lump that has been sitting in his throat since the beginning of the song, finding his phone lying on the bed next to him. He quickly turned on his texts with Young-jae, his shaky fingers coming up with a passive-aggressive message. He didn't even want to pretend to be polite, he didn't care. 

Hoseok:

\- Hey why would u give me another mixtape? this shit is over don't u understand? U can't just torment me with shit like this. Get over it.

He was angry. He kept blaming Young-jae for what happened with Yoongi, he kept blaming himself for not doing more to keep their relationship intact. He wanted all of this to be over. He quickly received a reply, making him rush to his phone.

Young-jae:

\- I didn't? 

Hoseok:

\- wdym u didn't? who else? don't try to lie ur way out of this

After Hoseok's message, a silence settled in the chat. As tired and completely exhausted Hoseok was, he couldn't close his eyes. He knew that whatever that Young-jae was going to say was going to make him even angrier and stressed, yet he couldn't handle staying in the same kind of headspace.

Young-jae:

\- I lied okay? 

\- I never made mixtapes for u i was just happy that u finally noticed me and decided to go with it

\- i'm sorry ok? 

\- u don't even like me, so i think this made u more happy than upset lol

Hoseok felt his fingers lingering over the keyboard of his phone, not really sure what to say. He hates lies. He could feel the feeling of disgust travel down his body as he thought of how selfish and egotistical the boys motive was. He didn't even care about the other person who was actually making those mixtapes and working on them, he did it out of pure selfishness and Hoseok didn't know what to even respond. As he thought about it more he started to pity Young-jae. He imagined how insecure and lonely the boy was to actually act this way. He decided not to reply, not really sure where they both stand since the confession. Once again everything seemed to start over again, another never-ending cycle of searching for the unknown in the music that seemed to be hitting every single button in Hoseok. He somehow managed to relate to the person, since the mixtape was quite sad. He wanted to know if they knew Young-jae had lied and how they were feeling about it. He once again felt this incredibly strong wave of need to find them. As he played this and other mixtapes a few times in a row his eyes caught on to a song title. Stuck on puzzle. As if on queue his brain took him to the memory of the conversation that he and Yoongi had. He remembered the way he explained his little 'theory' to Yoongi, how curious and pensive his face expressions were, how he seemed to try and get into Hoseok's world, to understand him even if it was a metaphor that compared puzzles to hardships. That was one of the things that Hoseok liked about Yoongi. He always took him seriously, never did he make Hoseok feel like he was stupid or that he was saying irrelevant things. Yoongi always seemed to be interested in what Hoseok had to say, it almost seemed like Hoseok's mind fascinated him. And Hoseok was fascinated by him as well. Big sour tears escaped Hoseok's eyes as he silently cried, too weak to fight against the memories that began haunting him again. Hoseok's heart was filled with beautiful pain that he had wrapped around himself, barricaded himself with memories from the outside. He didn't want to let go. Even if it meant that he will have to revisit the memories with pain. It was better than erasing them from his mind. For some reason, the mixtape felt like a big goodbye and he wasn't sure if he was ready to part ways with his own secret admirer that had comforted him in more than one way. He fell asleep as he tried to not think about thinking, yet he failed. His own thoughts had welcomed him to sleep.

[friday]

Yoongi was back in school. He has been in school for very little time but he was already sure he would like to never visit it again in his life. Ever since he had taped the mixtape to Hoseok's locker he has been thinking about what the other boy thought. Was that something he had been expecting or maybe he already knew it was him? It was like the second he distanced himself from the boy he became a mystery, a blank slate that scared Yoongi. He thought a lot about why he decided not to reply to all of the Hoseok's messages, but he couldn't. He knew that maybe he would've gotten an explanation that would've maybe lessened the pain, but he couldn't. He felt too overwhelmed, still living in the moment he saw them both. He knew that he will eventually have to talk to him about it, but his human nature decided to keep that moment as far away as possible while avoiding negative feelings.

Another thing that made Yoongi terribly scared for Friday was the music class that they had shared. He wondered if the boy was going to show up, he wondered if he himself was going to show up. He wondered if it would hurt Hoseok if he didn't show up. He wasn't sure what would hurt more, him showing or him ditching class. He wanted to stay away from him as much as possible. Not see him, not feel him next to him. But he also missed every single detail of the boy's presence and that sparked hope in Yoongi's heart, that maybe he should go, just so he could be in their bubble, even if it leads nowhere. As he stood in front of the door of his music class, the feeling of this position already feeling quite familiar, he let his mind run through scenarios and different variants this day could go by, this class could go by. He wondered what was the right thing to do and how would it affect him going further. He walked towards the door, his breathing becoming uneven when suddenly he turned to the left, exiting the corridor. He decided not to choose. 

Neither one of them went to music class.

-

The sky was painted in the light and dark shades of grey, no sight of the bright sun. The trees were lightly swaying because of the warm wind that flew around different objects, twirling them in the air. The gloominess of the weather seemed to put on a filter on everyone's vision as if to show them another version of the world, where everything was just a shade dimmer. Hoseok looked through the window, examining people as they walked past the cafe he was sitting in, finding comfort in the small things he noticed about the climate, people, the world that was spinning in an incredibly fast pace all around him. 

It was Yoongi's favorite weather. 

He looked down at his coffee, that was still hot in his cup. He took his phone from out of his pocket. It read 16 missed calls, 40 new messages. He wasn't sure as to why he decided to ignore his friends, especially since he had told them so much in a span of only a few days. Maybe that was the reason. He didn't want to make their heads hurt with yet another drastic turn in this mess of a situation, he didn't feel like even if they don't tell him they're bothered they still will be at least to an extent and Hoseok didn't want that. He still felt somewhat stupid for feeling so affected by all of this. He didn't know he could be this attached to someone he had known for such a short amount of time. Yoongi and him didn't meet up as often or didn't have a cosmic amount of conversations, yet he now realized how comfortable Yoongi's bare existence made him feel. Just knowing that the other boy was somewhere around made him feel better, made his mind wonder about what he was doing and what was he feeling. He knew he had so much to learn about him, so much good and so much ugly and he wanted to swallow it all up, learn about him as much as he knows about himself and even more. He wanted to be that person for him. But now he wasn't sure he will ever be able to be. He hoped he wasn't pressuring the boy the time they had kissed. A part of him was scared that hey did and that was the reason he was being ignored. If he did, he wouldn't be able to forgive himself for a really long time. As for the mixtape person - he was just so confused. He wasn't sure he was going to find out who they are and if it was really worth it at this point, he couldn't really think about them without seeing a picture of hurt Yoongi in his head. As he sat there alone with his own thoughts he couldn't help feeling emotions in him overtake, his eyes becoming wet again. He looked up again as if to try and stop the tears from escaping his eyes. He bit the inside of his cheek as he went back to looking at the outdoors, trying not to think. 

He sat there for a few more minutes when a cough got him out of his daze. Someone was standing next to his table. He turned his head to look at the stranger in front of him. It was one of the baristas that previously made his coffee. Confusion took over his body as he tried to think of a reason they were there. He thought he paid for his drink and if he was right the cafe wasn't supposed to close for a few more hours. He wiped his eyes, remembering the fact that he was almost embarrassingly crying in public. 

"Did I forget to pay? I'm sorry I'm very distracted today", Hoseok said in a quiet tone. What made him take a second look at the barista was a silent chuckle that was coming from the other male, a smile that was laced with fondness and pity was all over his face. 

"No, you're okay, you even left tips so I'm sure you are on the staff's good side", He said as he gave another one of his comforting smiles but when he saw confusion in Hoseok's face he remembered he had forgotten to tell the boy why he was here. "I'm sorry if I'm intruding, but I just couldn't stand to watch you sulk alone like this and decided to maybe lend you an ear, people tell me I'm a good listener", He ended as he saw Hoseok's expression change from confused to even more confused. He sat down in front of him, placing some cookies on the table. "I know it seems weird that I want to help you, a stranger out, but I would've wanted someone to have helped me out as well when I was in a bad place", the barista said. "You wouldn't believe how easy it is to vent to a stranger". Hoseok still looked slightly uncertain as he wondered if the barista doesn't have an agenda of his own, but made up his mind that he had nothing to lose. 

"Okay. I'm Hoseok", The boy said giving him a small smile.

"Nice to meet you Hoseok, I'm Namjoon".

-

The two of them had been talking for what seemed like a good forty minutes and Hoseok was pretty sure that Namjoon was just skipping work at this point, but he couldn't deny what the other boy had said. Venting to strangers is definitely way easier. He had been telling Namjoon about Yoongi (of course leaving his name out to still preserve the other boy's privacy) and how everything intertwined with the mixtape person. He could see this kind of a knowing look Namjoon was giving him, but he wasn't sure what it meant. He wanted to ask but was afraid he was reading his face wrong. After all, what would a stranger know about him and his situation? Apparently, he would know a lot since this whole time Namjoon has been trying to connect the dots and storylines in his brain. Namjoon has awknowledged it was the Hoseok before sitting down next to him. As he waited for any sign of recognition from the other boy, he quickly realized Hoesok had forgotten about the small incident of their first meet up.

"So you really do not recognize me", Namjoon uttered silently, his eyes raking through the other boy's appearance. In all honesty, Hoseok looked like shit. He looked absolutely wrecked and a part of him was happy that he was because Yoongi was looking completely the same.

"What?", Hoseok asked, not fully understanding what the other boy said. However, Namjoon just shrugged it off, deciding to ask another, more interesting question.

"I asked why have you stopped looking for the mixtape person? Does that mean this other boy means to you more than them?" As Namjoon asked he tried not to let a smile escape, this situation was really so absurd. Poor little Hoseok losing his sanity over two people that are actually the same person. He almost felt bad for finding the situation so hilariously ironic. The question seemed to spark even more heartbreak in Hoseok as he gasped for air, trying to find the answer in himself. Can you like two people at the same time? Hoseok was pretty sure that it's impossible, but why was he feeling like his heart was torn between two different people? Why was this question so hard to answer? He knew deep in his mind that the reason why he stopped contacting Yoongi was also because he thought it was unfair to him if he didn't know the exact answer to this exact question.

"You can't like two people at the same time, can you?" Hoseok asked, hope still evident in his voice. 

"No, you really can't. You're lucky it's the same person", Namjoon replied, not able to keep it to himself. He knew that it wasn't his place to out Yoongi to Hoseok like that, but he knew that it was the only way for them both to stop suffering. He saw how genuine Hoseok was, how much he cared for Yoongi and he knew Yoongi felt the same. There was a reason why the both of them were still feeling bad, why they couldn't let this go even if they wanted to. And Namjoon saw it. He saw the hurt in Yoongi's eyes that was dipped in love for Hoseok, he saw how much it meant to him and now, as he was sitting in front of Hoseok he saw the same emotions mirrored in his face. He couldn't stand seeing two rights go wrong. Yoongi deserved his first love to be happy, and if Namjoon could be a part of that - he certainly will be. 

"What?" Hoseok asked. He was right when he sensed that knowing look on Namjoon's face because something was definitely up. It almost felt like Namjoon was trying to make fun of him like he wasn't taking this seriously. His 'what' was serious, angry almost. His eyes were shooting daggers at Namjoon, his palms curved in fists as he tried not to overheat. What was this dude thinking? That he can just show up out of nowhere, listen to his story and start harassing him? Is this funny to him -

"Yoongi is the mixtape guy".

The words echoed in Hoseok's brain, swallowing up every other sound in the cafe. He felt weightless like he could fall any second. He didn't know what to believe. How could that be true? His mind began to spin and his vision became blurry as he tried to grasp reality, as he tried to not convince himself that's the truth. It all felt like a well-orchestrated lie. Did Young-jae somehow manage to plan this in order to get back at him? He wanted this to be a nightmare, a fucked up, cruel nightmare from which he could wake up the next morning and try to cope with. His feet moved as he got up, not really sure what he was doing, he was still in a state of disbelief. After all, how could Namjoon know?

"H-h-how would you know that exactly? And how do you know his name? This is seriously creeping me out", Hoseok exclaimed, still trying to keep his distance from Namjoon, feeling unsafe. He watched him sitting at the table, his body not moving an inch. He seemed calm. Way too calm for a stranger who just said the most bizarre thing Hoseok has ever heard. Namjoon stood up as well, still keeping his distance, in order not to scare the poor boy who seemed to be very close to a full body meltdown. 

"I'm Namjoon, Yoongi's older friend Namjoon. Did he never mention me? God do I feel disrespected, we even met once!", Namjoon joked, trying to lighten up the other boy's mood, though he was pretty sure it was impossible. 

Hoseok stood there, still not trusting the other boy's statement. How was he supposed to believe that something like that actually did happen? That something he had hoped for secretly for so long was actually true and not made up by his wild imagination? He wanted to cry and shout and scream and laugh and just explode. But he needed more proof than that. It was still close to being too good for the truth. 

"I'm sorry but I need more proof, you do realize this is very hard for me to believe", Hoseok said looking Namjoon straight in the eye. To that Namjoon just nodded, completely understanding the other boy. 

"Okay. Well, Yoongi has been talking to me about you for quite some time now. He wanted to befriend you or to get closer to you, but he wasn't sure on how to do it, I'm pretty sure you can tell that Yoongi isn't the most social person, right?" Namjoon asked and Hoseok nodded, his eyes now scanning the ground as he listened. "I told him that he should express his feelings in the way that is suitable for him, that would make him feel comfortable. And so the mixtapes started." Namjoon stopped for a second, his mind going back to the very beginning, a smile on his face. "Long story short - the boy likes you. He really does. It's his first ever love and he's not sure how to handle it, but I can tell you that he wants to and I see that you do as well", as Namjoon finished Hoseok could feel his eyes filling up with tears. A few of them leaving his body to drop to the ground, his hand going over his mouth. 

A worried Namjoon placed his hand on Hoseok's shoulder. He could feel the way Hoseok was shaking under his hand. 

"Did I get all of this completely wrong? These were supposed to be good news", Namjoon asked silently. He was still looking at Hoseok, his hand tightening his grasp on Hoseok's shoulder. He waited a few minutes for the other boy to speak up.

„I hurt him so bad Namjoon. I didn't- I didn't know it was him! I thought it was Young-jae and now I'm screwed because I could've had all of this I could've had him! I would have spared his feelings. But now he's hurt, he's so fucking hurt because of me and I can't even look at myself now that I know it was him. I don't deserve him Namjoon, I don't want him to be with someone who neglects him, and I did".

As Hoseok spoke Namjoon could feel every single drop of pain the other boy was pushing through, he could feel his massive care for Yoongi. He knew this was right.

„Yes, you've hurt him. But what's important right now is that you know, you know everything and you can fix it for the better. Yes, you made mistakes and you were oblivious to his feelings for you but now you know. I can see the way you need him and he fucking needs you Hoseok. I wish I could talk him out of it because you're right, you don't deserve him, no one does, but he wants you. He's like a stubborn child who will not take no for an answer. So please, do yourself and all of us a favor and man up. Go get him not because you belong together but because you need to be together because you both can't function without each other's presence", Namjoon took a big breath as he finished. He was still looking at Hoseok's eyes. They were shining just a bit. The tears in his eyes mixed up with the perfect hint of hope, hope that all of this can be fixed. It was as if Namjoon just knew what to say at the right moment and Hoseok was so happy that Yoongi had someone like that. Namjoon was a very good friend. Namjoon was also going to get so much shit for spilling everything to the worst person imaginable.

„Yoongi's gonna murder you for telling all of this to me", Hoseok laughed through his tears as he gave Namjoon his first genuine smile after a long time. 

„Oh, he will. But I will forever have the bragging rights for getting the two of you together", Namjoon went along, smiling as he could finally take a calm breath. This past hour has been pure exhaustion. 

The two of them were still standing at the cafe when Hoseok suddenly had an epiphany. He needed to see Yoongi. He needed to tell him everything. He needed to apologize. He needed to have him in his arms, to breathe in his presence, to finally experience his heart beating at an incredible pace again. It was like he was lacking oxygen. This was something that could not be postponed. 

„I-I need to see him, I need to tell him", Hoseok said enthusiastically. His whole body was shaking, but this time in a new, better way. Namjoon chuckled at the mess of a boy in front of him. He knew he was going to say that.

„Lucky you, I actually was planning to meet him after my shift which ends in", Namjoon glanced at the clock that was on the wall of the cafe, „ In about fifteen minutes, you can talk to him then I suppose".

Hoseok's body went numb. He wasn't lying when he said he wanted to talk to Yoongi. But he didn't expect it to be, well, now. He wasn't sure if he was mentally ready to face yet another mind-bending conversation, yet the fact that he was going to see Yoongi after so long in front of his own two eyes was way too good to refuse. 

„You can do it, Hoseok", He heard Namjoon tell him. „Just tell him what you have told me. Tell him about the guy who managed to ruin your life in the best way possible, I'm sure he'll appreciate it", Namjoon laughed, giving Hoseok another pat on the shoulder. 

Hoseok nodded, giving him a smile. „I can do it". 

The two of them stood there, next to their table. Namjoon was trying to make small talk in order to distract Hoseok in hopes to calm him down, the stress was eating the two of them alive. 

„Namjoon'?" 

Their short conversation was quickly ended by a silent voice intruding their personal space. Namjoon turned around, yet he didn't need to – he already knew who it was. 

„Hey Yoongi, doing okay?" Namjoon asked, giving him a soft smile to which Yoongi just scoffed. He didn't see Hoseok yet.

„Who are you talking to?" Yoongi asked, a strange feeling of suspicion in his gut as he tried to look past Namjoon. 

„You can see for yourself, I think you will find them way more interesting than me, I'm sorry Yoongi, I had no choice", with these last words Namjoon got out of Hoseok's way and excused himself, going back to work, completely ignoring the dissatisfied scoff coming from Yoongi. As his eyes met Hoseok's everything stopped. He could feel his eyes widening, his mouth going slightly agape as the shock filled his body. He felt like smiling, like wrapping himself in his calming presence. He missed him. He missed his eyes on him. He, after all this time, felt safe. Yet he also felt a sting in his heart. A very hurtful sting. He wanted to say something, he wasn't sure whether he wanted to yell out of anger or out of love for the boy. He wanted to say so much. He wanted to tell him how much everything turned to shit. How this past few weeks completely sucked and it was all because of Hoseok and Yoongi's stupid emotions towards him. But he couldn't. His whole body froze his mouth not able to form sentences, words. However, Hoseok couldn't keep silent. 

„It's you", Hoseok said as his palm came to cup Yoongi's cheek. He looked at Yoongi with such intensity he felt lightheaded. His finger began stroking his cheek, a sigh leaving his lips as he almost cried out. This was so real and raw and Yoongi was here and he was looking at him with a confused look, yet he could see tears in his eyes as he leaned into Hoseok's touch, both of their hearts on a race against each other. Yoongi was nervous and scared. He didn't know what any of this meant. He could feel Hoseok's hand on his cheek. He could feel the way it was shaking and it made Yoongi feel better, made him feel like he wasn't experiencing all of this alone like Hoseok was here next to him and he was hurting just the same. 

„Thank you, I- thank you" Hoseok spoke again, not able to say anything else but that. He felt so much, overwhelmingly too much for his own good, like he was about to explode with appreciation for this person in front of him. He felt so grateful, he felt like he could never repay Yoongi. Yoongi was always there. He was there as himself, he was there as this magical imaginary person that kept leaving him mixtapes at random times. That knew what was going on and reached out when Hoseok needed it the most. He was the piece that Hoseok needed to solve his own puzzle, he was the reason Hoseok could take a deep breath of fresh air. He was his angel, his own secret treasure that nobody else around him had. He was the luckiest of them all. Suddenly, Hoseok's arms wrapped around Yoongi's smaller frame, enveloping him in a tight embrace. Yoongi could feel Hoseok squeezing him so tight he felt like all oxygen was about to escape his body, He felt as if Hoseok was scared of him disappearing, of running away and Yoongi wanted to show him that he won't, he will never walk away even if Hoseok begged him to. His own arms went up to wrap themselves around Hoseok's neck, resting his face on Hoseok's shoulder. All at once, he felt Hoseok softening his grip, almost as if he sunk down. Finally getting that reassurance he needed. The two of them stood in the same place as before, both of them still in each other's arms.

„I know you made the mixtapes", Hoseok finally admitted, feeling the way Yoongi's body tensed in his grip, only making him squeeze the boy tighter. He needed him to hear him out. „Don't mad at Namjoon for telling me, before yesterday I was still thinking it was someone else. He lied to me about making them, he's the same guy that kissed me that day", Hoseok finally said it, a huge weight falling off of his shoulders.He could hear how shaky his voice was and how Yoongi still didn't move an inch. 

„I never felt anything for him and I never will, it was a mistake and I would do anything to undo it, to undo the pain that I made you endure but I don't think I can and I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me", he said as he tried to grip Yoongi even closer, feeling as if the boy was melting under his fingertips."I know that I can't ask for us to be together, or continue where we started because I ruined that for us, but I want you to know that it was not your fault. You did nothing wrong. You were always my first and only choice. I didn't let myself imagine you reciprocating my feelings because it's too good to be true and I'm scared to ruin you because if I ruin you I will ruin myself. You're the definition of good in my life, you're the one that makes me love myself and look at the world from a different perspective. I'm selfish to want you all to myself or to want you at all because I can't think of anything I could give you in return that would be worthy enough. You never judged or pitied me because of my broken family life or my view of the world and I don't want you to pity me right now. I just want you to know that there is someone who loves you for who you are, doesn't matter if it's five songs in a cassette or a shy boy who sits next to me in music class, I love you in every way that you choose to be. Don't bring yourself down because you're the only thing that keeps me looking up at the grey fucking clouds and think about you", Hoseok finally took a big breath, his eyes teary for the millionth time today as he poured all of his emotions on the floor for Yoongi to see. He hid his face in Yoongi's hair, taking in the scent of Yoongi's shampoo.

 

„I love you", he said it again. It was almost as easy to say as it was hard to say it the first time. He felt like he could repeat it forever like he could fill the other boy's brain with words of appreciation until he ran out of air. 

The two of them stood in silence once again. Holding each other as if there was no tomorrow as if all of this was too gentle, too precious to break away until Hoseok felt his shoulder becoming damper within seconds. Yoongi was crying. He could hear soft hidden whimpers coming from the smaller boy that was now using Hoseok as his pillow to soak up all the damage the boy had done. Hoseok held him as tight as he could, pressing himself against the other boy letting him let it all out, to finally let go of all the emotions that were buried deep inside of him. His emotions were all over the place as the two of them cried, both of their pain mixing together, Their own private bubble opened up again. They were hiding from the outside world again, but this time they were together, they were there to keep each other up. Yoongi shuffled in Hoseok's embrace, finally finding enough courage to look up at the boy. After all, he had nothing to hide, all of his secrets were revealed, he was there, completely bare in front of the person he trusted with all of his heart. As he looked up to look at Hoseok's puffy eyes he saw so much love and fondness, he saw how broken Hoseok was from all of this mess the both of them had created and he has never loved his life more. He had never felt more fulfilled in his whole life. He was there and he was hurting. He was there and he was happy because he finally had no mask, he was his vulnerable self and Hoseok accepted that with his whole being. Yoongi didn't say anything else as he felt like there was nothing else left to say. His hand finally unlatched itself from Hoseok's neck, his fingertips going over Hoseok's face, wiping away his wet tear-stained cheeks with the sleeve of his sweater. Hoseok closed his eyes as he let Yoongi caress his face. Yoongi leaned in closer, lifting himself up, pressing his lips against Hoseok's wet cheek. Hoseok kept his eyes shut still. Yoongi leaned in to kiss another cheek. Then his forehead, his nose, his chin, the corners of his lips. His kisses were light and pure as if he tried not to ruin the stillness of this moment. He took a final deep breath as both of his palms grabbed Hoseok's face gently, pressing his lips against Hoseoks. It was a kiss filled with love, desire, pain and so much more that it wouldn't be fair to describe it with words. Yoongi could feel the way his whole body burned with need and complete love for the boy. He felt Hoseok heavily sigh into the kiss as if to show he finally felt relieved. He squeezed Yoongi's waist, pressing him even closer to himself as his fingertips played with the ends of his sweater. The kiss was sweet yet full of desire and bottled up need the both of them had for each other. It felt like they had spent an eternity just like that when Yoongi finally pulled away, giving the boy one last peck on the lips.

„I love you", he said it so easily, so effortlessly, like it was the most pleasant thing to say in the whole wide world. Hoseok finally opened his eyes. To say he was not ready for the sight in front of him was an understatement. There he was, in front of him. His eyes red and puffy, his whole face flushed with the most adorable shade of red, his hair messy, different strands of hair falling on his forehead, a small smile playing on his lips. He tried to take a picture of him right at that moment with his eyes, either way, he was pretty sure he was never going to forget the sight in front of him. It was painfully beautiful. Just like love itself. Hoseok thought about things he would've changed to end up at this place sooner and he realized he wouldn't change a thing. This was exactly the way it had to be and the smile Yoongi was gifting him with seemed to erase any trace of pain that he had ever felt. It felt good. Hoseok finally felt good. And he could tell that Yoongi was feeling the same. 

„This is all very cute, but my manager legitimately just asked me to tell you guys to stop making out in the middle of the cafe, the whole crying and kissing thing is really scaring customers away", Namjoon interrupted the two of them teasingly, smiling at the pair finally making up. 

„Shut up you fucking traitor", Yoongi scoffed at his friend, his body still wrapped around Hoseok's. 

Yoongi's words earned a small laugh from Hoseok and a theatrical reaction from Namjoon. 

„After everything I've done for you, Yoongi-ah, that's how you repay me!" Namjoon let out, laughing himself. 

Hoseok looked at the boy once again, finally deciding to let go of Yoongi, making the smaller boy pout at the loss of skinship. However, he quickly reattached the two of them together as Hoseok's hand finally found Yoongi's, intertwining their fingers, squeezing Yoongi's hand. Yoongi looked down at their hands, a bright smile gracing his features as he looked up at Hoseok, the two of them exchanging a look of happiness. They were finally alright. The two of them had everything they needed to stay afloat. 

One might never think a simple occurrence in persons daily life can have so much effect on them, but that was simply denied when Yoongi experienced his small occurrence on a sunny Friday morning. Yoongi was sure that he will never be able to forget this exact occurrence and the boy it had brought with it.

[Monday]

The sun shines through the big windows of the bus as Yoongi takes in the slightly colder air of the morning. It's early on a Monday morning, yet Yoongi smiles to himself as the bus drives him to school. The earbuds in his ears sooth him with the sounds of music like they do every morning as he continues to watch the trees pass him in a swift motion. It seemed as if everything was back to normal and nothing had changed. Except everything has changed. The boy looks out the window as if to search for someone as the bus came to a stop. He couldn't find what he's looking for and as he's about to pout he feels something or someone tap his shoulder. As he turns around he's greeted with a familiar face, a feeling of deja vu occupying his senses. Hoseok. He quickly takes out one of his earbuds out, scooting further away to make some space for the other boy. 

„Morning", He says to Hoseok as he gives him a small smile, his eyes quickly scanning the other boy's frame.

„Morning", Hoseok says while sitting down next to Yoongi, offering him a quick kiss on the cheek, his voice still scratchy and a bit tired from sleeping. Yoongi took in the sound of his voice, a small blush forming on his face when he became aware of another boy's lips on his skin. He thought of how beautiful the other boy sounded in the morning and how Mondays weren't as bad after all.

Hoseok took one of the earbuds from Yoongi, putting it into his ear as they were now both engulfed in the sounds of music. Hoseok leaned further into Yoongi as he rested his head on the boy's shoulder, finding it the most comfortable place to rest. Yoongi smiled at the close proximity of the both of them, his hand reaching out for Hoseok's quickly lacing their fingers together. So far this was his favorite thing to do with the other boy. Hold hands. Because it would bring him right to the start where everything was so annoyingly confusing and unknown. It angered Yoongi then, but now he had learned to appreciate it. It still brought nostalgic shivers down his spine. The two of them watched the passing trees again, well, mostly Yoongi because he was pretty sure Hoseok has already fallen asleep by the way his fingers loosened up around his. He couldn't really blame him, he wasn't used to driving to school by bus and since it left earlier than Hoseok would leave for his usual commute to school, he still was getting used to it (even though Yoongi tried to protest, his attempts were silenced by the other boy giving him a kiss and shooting a small „ don't argue" in his face). 

After a while their bus came to a stop, nervousness already taking over Yoongi's body as he realized his short-lived moment of happiness has come to a stop. He really didn't want to let go of Hoseok's hand and he really didn't want to wake the other boy up. And he didn't need to. Hoseok had been woken up by the loud sounds of the outdoors, his body shuffling against Yoongi's, quickly getting up, their hands still laced together. Through his sleep-deprived eyes, Hoseok saw the discontent on Yoongi's face and gave him a small smile as if to try and compensate. 

As they got out of the bus Hoseok felt an absence in his hand. Yoongi detached their hands. A confused state quickly overtook his body as he turned around to look at the smaller boy.

„What's wrong Yoongi?" Hoseok asked the boy as he kept staring at him, trying to find the reasoning for the pout on Yoongi's face. 

„I-It's nothing I just, us", Yoongi felt himself at a loss for words, embarrassed to say what he wanted to say.

„Yoongi, if even for a second you thought that I will be embarrassed to hold your hand at school you are so, so very wrong", Hoseok said trying to sound as reassuring as possible. Yoongi looked up to a fond smile the boy was giving him, his own face beat red as he wasn't sure how Hoseok figured out. 

„Okay", Yoongi said, his hand reaching out to grab Hoseok's, both of their hands meeting halfway. The two of them walked to school hand in hand, not minding anyone's eyes. Yoongi walked down the halls with his head up in what seemed like years. He was not afraid anymore because he knew that Hoseok was right there to catch and protect him. Hoseok watched Yoongi with adoration, happy to see him stress-free in school. A small chuckle left his lips as he thought about where he was right now. He was pretty sure he would've never expected to see himself here, walking hand in hand with a boy through the halls of his school. With a boy that was more close to an angel than to a human being and he felt grateful for every second that had passed.

When the two of them finally parted ways to go to class it had become very clear to both of them that concentrating in class was going to be hard. Very hard. So when the bell rang for a lunch break the two of them ran with their full capacity, finally running into each other next to the cafeteria. Oh, right did I forget to mention Yoongi was completely shitting his pants? Today was the day he was supposed to meet Hoseok's best friends, people who he trusted the most. To say Yoongi wanted to impress the two of them was an understatement.

„What if they think I'm weird", Yoongi said like it wasn't even a question. His feet were nervously tapping on the floor as his eyes ran around the sea of people, his heart beating faster than before.

„They won't Yoongs, they will love you", Hoseok said, leaning closer to fix a few strands of hair that were misplaced on the boy's forehead. He squeezed Yoongi's hand one more time as he led him inside the cafeteria, the place Yoongi hasn't visited in literally months. Hoseok's eyes scanned the cafeteria, finally catching a glimpse of the two idiots already watching them and furiously grinning at one another as they eyed Hoseok holding hands with a cute stranger. Hoseok looked at Yoongi once again, the sea of people silencing as he fixated on Yoongi and Yoongi only.

„I love you', Hoseok told him for the first time that day, already missing the way the words rolled off of his lips, the way they seemed to put him in the better mood. 

He watched as Yoongi became flustered in a matter of seconds, yet his eyes did not look away, his gaze still fixed on the taller boy as a bright gummy smile foud its way on Yoongi's face.

„I love you too", Yoongi replied, filling Hoseok's body with warmth. And so they walked to Jimin and Jungkook. As much as he hated to admit it, Hoseok was right. The two boys really did love Yoongi and it was way easier to talk to them than he previously had expected. The lunch break was filled with conversations about the two of them and Yoongi's decision to make mixtapes and how glad they were that Hoseok has finally stopped moping around. 

When lunch finally ended Hoseok walked Yoongi to class. As Yoongi leaned in to give Hoseok a kiss on the cheek in the empty hall of the school and was about turn to make his way to class he felt Hoseok tug on his hand making the other boy plop against Hoseok, a confused expression on his face.

„Hoseok wha-„ 

„I have something for you", Hoseok said. It seemed like Hoseok had a habit of interrupting the other boy whenever he felt like it, but Yoongi honestly wasn't mad about it. Yoongi's eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he wondered what the other boy could've possibly gotten for him.

Yoongi didn't bother asking, he knew that Hoseok wasn't going to tell him what it was anyways. He waited impatiently for Hoseok to find the item in his backpack, demanding Yoongi to close his eyes as if to make it a little more exciting. Yoongi closed his eyes, his whole body shaking with anticipation.

„Open your eyes".

With Hoseok's command, Yoongi's eyes opened up. What sat in Hoseok's hands was something he had never expected to get himself. There, in Hoseok's hands, was a mixtape. The cover of the cassette case was doodled on and he quickly recognized Hoseok's drawing style as he remembered both of them drawing on his notebook that one day in class. The doodles were a bit childish and curved in some places but it only made Yoongi smile even more when he realized how hard Hoseok must've tried to make all of this happen. 

„I'm sorry if it doesn't play that well or at all, I'm not sure if I did everything correctly- ".

It was Yoongi's turn to interrupt Hoseok as he quickly glanced in both directions making sure there were no people in sight and kissed Hoseok with all of his strength. As his arms went around Hoseok's shoulders he was still grasping the mixtape tightly in his hand, loosing just a tad bit of his sanity in the kiss. Hoseok quickly replied to the kiss, his arms resting on Yoongis lower back, his fingers gently going just slightly under Yoongi's sweater to graze small circles on the boy's skin. 

As the two of them pulled away Yoongi quickly put the mixtape in his own backpack, making sure to zip it so it's safe until he gets home. When the two of them finally separated for class (to which they were both late for honestly too long) neither of them could hide the smiles on their faces as they thought about each other. 

Neither one of them thought about how long this was going to last or if it was going to last, their minds failing to travel to the future when the present was so pleasing to be in. It didn't matter how much time they had left. What mattered was that they will make sure to enjoy every second that they had together. Their love didn't only envolve the two of them. It was now engraved in every love song, every gust of wind, every leaf of every flower or tree. It was everywhere around them. You couldn't always see their love, but you could always feel it there, pulsating in sync with both of their hearts. Without either of them knowing they both promised themselves to love each other for as long as they possibly can. Their story uncertain, with no clear ending, but with many more mixtapes to come.

*＊✿❀ ❀✿＊*


End file.
